I'm PMSing, which means I don't feel inclined to do anything at all, because that's what happens when I PMS. I lose all motivation, also I get cranky and angsty.
Which is maybe why I feel extra-agnsty right now...like there's something pressing down on my chest and surrounding me in dark, angstyness.
And it's raining, which doesn't help.
Don't get me wrong, I love rain, but rain reminds me of Nathalie, who is currently, unintentionally, contributing to the whole angst thing.
It's a good memory, actually, a happy one, from about a year and a half ago now. We had just finished improv class and it was raining. We had been talking about how much we love rain, and she says "Come dance with me" so we drop our backpacks and she takes both my hands and we dance and spin and laugh in the rain, these crazy grins on our faces, until I had to call my dad.
I don't think I was crushing on her then, but I might have been. In hindsight I probably was on some level. But what can I say? I had just turned thirteen, and I was still coming out, still working out my emotions full-time.
I've known I've been actively crushing on her (to varying degrees) for about a year now, since the start of 8th grade. It was easier then, because she was in high school and I still in middle, so I didn't see her all that often. I start high school soon, and once again I'll be seeing her every day. She's in my math class.
Sometime last winter, I told her I was crushing on her, and she was incredibly kind about telling me she wasn't crushing on me. She's one of the kindest people I know. Also, she's amazingly beautiful, but she doesn't seem to know it. I don't even know if she's straight or bi or gay or what, I can never tell with her. I can never tell with anyone I'm crushing on, but I can tell with most other people. I guess that's a story for later, though.