I don't even know what I'm doing here; I just discovered this site today, but it looks like a lot of kids not all that different from me write a lot of stuff here that may be crap or may actually be kind of meaningful, so I'm willing to give it (whatever 'it' is) a shot without worrying too much about clogging up the Internet with my irrelevant musings.
I don't even know if I am queer, I guess is the real reason I'm here. From what I've seen, I'm not the only one here who doesn't know. I'm anatomically female, that much I can tell you for certain, not a Y-chromosome in my body. But I don't really feel like a girl, and I always use male identities wherever possible. See, it felt weird just then even admitting to the Internet that I have a female body. But I'm not ready to identify as male, either. And I know another thing: even if I do decide I identify as male, I won't change my body. My inconvenient personal principle (not just policy, I'm afraid, or I would be less scrupulous about breaking it) against nonmedical bodily modification is so inconveniently strong that I won't even have the great ugly mole taken off my neck.
And on top of not knowing whether I am a boy or a girl, I also don't know whether I want to date boys or girls. I had a huge crush on a girl for two years; I'm pretty sure I was even a little bit in love with her. But I haven't completely given up on my male best friend, either - as far as I can guess, he is still in possession of my first kiss. I've had wonderful dreams about kissing both of them (not in the same dream), but as far as sexuality goes, that's as far as I have even fantasized.
I don't even know what if any difference there is between sexual, physical, and romantic attraction. If there is a difference, I don't think I've even felt sexual attraction, and if sexual and physical are different, I don't even know what physical is. I'm seventeen years old, by the way, so puberty has definitely taken effect. But anyway, I was definitely romantically attracted to that girl I mentioned, and I don't even know whether I'm any kind of attracted to my best friend beyond friendwise attracted, if not, he's probably just the only other person besides that girl whom I love and trust enough to not feel like I'd be throwing away my first kiss.
I can't imagine the future at all. I can't picture myself with a husband, or a girlfriend, or any sort of partner. I can't imagine having sexual relations.
I find it hard to believe that anyone out there actually wants someone like me. I'm smart, interesting, artistic, handy, easygoing, and I have a very impressive collection of animal skulls, but I'm the kind of person with whom people want to talk, not make out. Even my closest friends barely even hug me. I've been described as pretty, but somehow I repel people from touching me, and I'm kind of sick of it. I'm horribly afraid I'll be doomed to a life almost devoid of physical human contact.
So I'm scared and confused and lonely. So are many of you, I'm sure. Lots of your lives suck far worse than mine, I expect, so I probably won't find too much sympathy here. Either that or just a lot of 'Oh, everything will be okay, you're a good person, I know even though I've never met you, you'll find someone eventually, people like you, blah blah blah...'