I don't even know

MacAvity's picture

I don't even know what I'm doing here; I just discovered this site today, but it looks like a lot of kids not all that different from me write a lot of stuff here that may be crap or may actually be kind of meaningful, so I'm willing to give it (whatever 'it' is) a shot without worrying too much about clogging up the Internet with my irrelevant musings.

I don't even know if I am queer, I guess is the real reason I'm here. From what I've seen, I'm not the only one here who doesn't know. I'm anatomically female, that much I can tell you for certain, not a Y-chromosome in my body. But I don't really feel like a girl, and I always use male identities wherever possible. See, it felt weird just then even admitting to the Internet that I have a female body. But I'm not ready to identify as male, either. And I know another thing: even if I do decide I identify as male, I won't change my body. My inconvenient personal principle (not just policy, I'm afraid, or I would be less scrupulous about breaking it) against nonmedical bodily modification is so inconveniently strong that I won't even have the great ugly mole taken off my neck.

And on top of not knowing whether I am a boy or a girl, I also don't know whether I want to date boys or girls. I had a huge crush on a girl for two years; I'm pretty sure I was even a little bit in love with her. But I haven't completely given up on my male best friend, either - as far as I can guess, he is still in possession of my first kiss. I've had wonderful dreams about kissing both of them (not in the same dream), but as far as sexuality goes, that's as far as I have even fantasized.

I don't even know what if any difference there is between sexual, physical, and romantic attraction. If there is a difference, I don't think I've even felt sexual attraction, and if sexual and physical are different, I don't even know what physical is. I'm seventeen years old, by the way, so puberty has definitely taken effect. But anyway, I was definitely romantically attracted to that girl I mentioned, and I don't even know whether I'm any kind of attracted to my best friend beyond friendwise attracted, if not, he's probably just the only other person besides that girl whom I love and trust enough to not feel like I'd be throwing away my first kiss.

I can't imagine the future at all. I can't picture myself with a husband, or a girlfriend, or any sort of partner. I can't imagine having sexual relations.

I find it hard to believe that anyone out there actually wants someone like me. I'm smart, interesting, artistic, handy, easygoing, and I have a very impressive collection of animal skulls, but I'm the kind of person with whom people want to talk, not make out. Even my closest friends barely even hug me. I've been described as pretty, but somehow I repel people from touching me, and I'm kind of sick of it. I'm horribly afraid I'll be doomed to a life almost devoid of physical human contact.

So I'm scared and confused and lonely. So are many of you, I'm sure. Lots of your lives suck far worse than mine, I expect, so I probably won't find too much sympathy here. Either that or just a lot of 'Oh, everything will be okay, you're a good person, I know even though I've never met you, you'll find someone eventually, people like you, blah blah blah...'

Whatever.

Comments

elph's picture

Let Me Guess...

You're an admirer of T.S.Elliot... especially his "Macavity"?

Me too... all memorized!

Riku's picture

Hey.

There are no rules to being transgender. If you want to identify as male online but not in person. That's fine. If you want to identify as male 100% of the time but never medically transition, that's okay. If you want to go on hormones but not get surgery, that's okay. There is no rule that says you have to be willing to do x y and z to be transgender or whatever. Do whatever you're comfortable with. That's what it's about, getting to a place where you feel most comfortable in your body and in your presentation of yourself, in a way that you're okay with.

I'm a trans male (So I don't have a Y chromosome either) and have transitioned, socially, and I've been on testosterone for a while, so if you want to ask me about any of that go ahead. If not, that's cool too.

And as far as sexuality, or lack therof goes. It's completely possible to be romantically attracted to people but not sexually. (And physically but not sexually too. If that makes sense... At least for me. ) that happens to me often. It takes a little while for me to gain a sexual attraction to someone, but I know some people never do. There's nothing wrong with that.

I don't really know what my sexuality is either. I mean, I could label it as this and that and the other thing but I guess it doesn't matter to me that much. I think, what's important is just knowing when I like someone, understanding how that makes me feel and what I want to do about it. What I call it is secondary.

Gender is the same way, what's important is you understand how you feel and what you want to do about it, not what other people want you to do about it or how -they- would feel about it or react to it. But what -you- need. Because you're the only person who has to live with yourself forever. Remember that. So focus on that when you're considering this stuff. Once you've got yourself figured out you can figure out how it's going to work socially, if it's a problem. Oh, and be patient with yourself, everything isn't going to sort itself out all at once...

And I completely understand what you mean about feeling like you're not the kind of person people want to date or be in a relationship with. I feel the same way about myself... But it's silly because, it's not really about whether or not -you- think you're dateable, but about whether other people do. And if you're smart, interesting, artistic, and have a kickass collection of animal skulls, then I'm sure there is or will be someone who is interested, and who is completely okay with your lack of sexuality or your gender variance.

I also repel to physical contact, and although it's usually by choice it's gotten to the point where I don't know how to do something about it when I do want physical contact... So I can relate to that too.

And yes, it's completely normal for me to write comments on peoples journals that are rivaling the length of the entry itself... Haha. Welcome to the site, I'll have you know Macavity was my favorite poem as a kid.

ferrets's picture

hia :)

welcome to oasis.

does you like ferrets?

More people have been slaughtered in the name of religion than for any other single reason. That, my friends, that is true perversion.
-Harvey Milk

MacAvity's picture

(Grinning)

Oh, thank you all, I feel so much less alone already. It means so much to me that anybody even read my excessively long and self-absorbed rant, let alone responded in a way that gives so much hope.

Eliot's a very good poet, to be sure, and "Macavity" a good poem, but I guess my choice of the name has more to do with the name itself than anything else. And I don't even know why I capitalise the A, but I do.

Ferrets? That's kind of random, but okay. Ferrets are pretty cute.

elph's picture

True... That Last Sentence

And... I suspect that it would also be true if you were to change are to is!