Nrgh. I just .. Spontaneously started like, BAWLING. I hardly cry.. I mean the only real time I've cried in the past two years... I can't remember. Today, a song came on the radio and I just broke down... I think I'm going to break soon. There's only so much friends can do to help... What I hate the most about this is why.
It's so stupid, why can't I.. Why can't anyone get over anyone. I swore to myself that my feelings for her were over so why do I still feel so strongly. I feel trapped, blindfolded... I'm running in circles and this is hopeless...On top of it all this girl is an IDIOT. She's so dim, and I mean she has her redeeming qualities but for the life of me I don't know why I'm crazy for her. For over a year now.. A sword straight through my stomach, and... Then there are the recent events with this other girl who was basically using me. I'm sure she didn't mean it but.. now that I know everything it hurts. Things like these hurt even more because I was in such a fragile state and this girl just broke my concentration.. I feel so shattered all of the sudden. I can't do anything without thinking about either situation. I can't wake up without her being the first thing or last thing on my mind. I'm such an idiot, why can't I stop this torture. This basic dependency on someone like a god damn drug. I'm lucky at least that she isn't straight but... Of all people I think Ia would have preferred a straight girl, even though I know that's a lie.
Mostly though, I think I broke down because of the fact that I will face situations like these for the rest of my life and I will never forget her. I probably cried because I can't take it any more, because I'm so scared of what I might do. I mean, school will start for me soon and then I will see her and I will see the other girl every morning, every day. I don't think I can do it... I think that I'll break down like I just did. I feel dead a little, crying felt good. Maybe it was a good thing, a step towards acceptance? I don't know I'm so crushed right now that Ican't tell left from right.
Anyway, I'm going to stop crowding this space with my rant. I'm so glad theres a place to put this...Thank you Oasis.