"And you wonder why I'm gay?"

swimmerguy's picture

Well, this week has sucked ass. For many reasons, really.
But today sucked too.

I feel soooooooooooo bad. Like, in German class I totally disrespected the teacher. Like totally. I'm so embarrassed I don't want to say what I did. But it was uncalled for, and stupid.
I wouldn't normally do something like that, but this week has made me so tired and pissed off, I generally try not to show it but my self control was so low by today. I am still in literal amazement that I didn't dream doing that. Totally uncalled for. Terrible.
And today I was like sobbing, because I felt so bad for doing that to her. She's so nice.
I'm just in a weak place right now. So, on Monday, before school, after hopefully the emotions are gone, I'll go to her and apologize, and probably give her an apology cookie that I shall bake myself this weekend, and explain why I was in such a weak place today, and I hope she'll forgive me, because she's awesome and I've been kind to her back for the past couple months.
Gawd, I feel so bad for doing that! I so hope she forgives me...

And well, what I'm a little less stressed about but what is a little more crappy is PMS issues. Not with me, of course, but apparently with a girl from the swim team. She was my 3rd "girlfriend" which ended terribly with her being hurt and then doing something totally uncalled for and one of the worst things of my life to me.
And we're back to being friends... But apparently she's unhappy...
Her: You seem sullen today
Me: I'm fine :)
Her: Can I tell you something?
Me: Sure. Whatev
Her: You really piss me off sometimes!
Me: Aw why? What do I do?
Her: You ignore me. You treat me like I'm nothing. You're always trying to hurt me. Nothing I do is ever good enough. You gloat over how you get champs times and how you know I can do it and yet her I am and nothing.
Me: Wow. I didn't know you felt that way. Harsh. I'm not trying to do any of that. Seriously. I'm just trying to encourage you. I truly didn't know I was apparently doing this...
Her: I could be crying and you wouldn't really care. You would just be sarcastic about it. You'd put your arm around me and fake cry and make a huge scene out of it.
Me: Really, I'm not trying to do any of that. I'm just trying to help
Her: Some help. Its cruel. Sometimes I just hate you and I can't stay away. It's like I'm addicted to you or something. I hate it.
Me: Well tell me to stop whenever I'm doing this, instead of keeping me in the dark and then choosing now to brighten up my day please... It'd be better for both of us
Her: I'm sorry... I'm really really sorry.
Me: No no it's fine. Just tell me not to do it
Her: Your always gone before I can say anything. The way I see it, I don't mean anything to you. I'm just a pawn
Me: When am I gone? You're never here. (She does school swimming and so has been absent from club swimming for a few months)
Her: No like in our short little exchanges you'll slap me on the back or something and it hurts and I say ow. And you keep hitting me. Then your gone off to somewhere else. Someone else. I'm nothing.
Me: I'm in dryland now. Just wail till you come back to club swimming and the time we spend together will not be in any shortage
Her: Oh fun. More bruises and put-downs. Yay!
Me: I'm sorry. Kick my ass and tell me when I'm doing this
Her: I TRY! Usually saying ow that hurts is sufficient
Me: Not when you're laughing it isn't...

And I'm like all wow. Do you remember what we said in Health about "I messages"? That speech was chock full of "you messages". After the row in German I made sure to keep my cool, but just like wow.
For one, I can't really gloat about champs times if I don't have any. I mean, I'm so close, literally 100ths of a second off, I'm bound to make it on something, but I make it a point to not gloat.
Yes, I tell the younger and slower swimmers they will make champs times, partly as a joke, but mostly to encourage them. I know they probably won't, but if they think they can't, they have no chance. A positive attitude will help them get it in future years.

And the passive-aggressive here is amazing me. I am totally impressed. She laughs whenever I do whatever and when she's crying I fake cry and tickle her and try to make her laugh, and it usually works, but apparently she secretly hates that, along with every other thing I do she shows pleasure about publicly, and then decided to give a little more sunshine to my day today by bringing up a conversation and then absolutely trashing me. I have never seen that passive-agressive before. That is truly impressive. I applaud that.
She's a mess. I'll try to help her with that...

And then like hot Joe is being a sweety and giving me hugs and Alex is being all awesome and having dance parties, and I'm like "And you wonder why I'm gay?" Not that I actually said that, of course. But it's true.

You see, what I really don't like, is recently, and subconsciously, I've been focusing on problems one by one recently and eliminating them. Like grades used to be an issue, and now I've taken care of that.
And so did work ethic at swimming, and I've fixed that.
So I've fixed nearly everything.
Because what I really hate is having some underlying worry. Something that keeps me awake at night. Like grades, or if I was taking drugs, or watching porn, or hiding a body, or something like that, that would worry me all the time. Life would be fun, but all around the sides, there was that one WORRY, that one PROBLEM that was screwing with me.
But I don't have one of those anymore.

But I get constant sort of "current threat" issues, like all the crap this week, along with today, the German thing that I'm REALLY stressing about, and the girl thing I'm not nearly as worked up over.
So, even though I have no underlying worry of any sort, I get enough of these small threats that will go away on their own very quickly anyway, but there's enough of them to still plague my nights.
And therefore make me more tired. Which crumbles my self control, which in turn makes these things more likely to come up.
It's a vicious circle.

Comments

elph's picture

Wow!!!

What a tour de force: Angst, shame, shattered affections, retribution, loss of self-control... Did I miss an emotion?

Even the constant switching on/off of HTML tags (with care) was an act of dedication :)

Yeah... No idea what may have transpired between you and your German teacher... but it seems that a heart-felt apology would be appropriate.

Just a suggestion: Do it in private (office?); not in class!

I'm confident that you will be forgiven; high school teachers are usually very aware how stressful circumstances can easily rise to the boiling point... Honors students seem to suffer even greater because they feel that more is expected from them...

I think the conversation you had with your classmate was quite revealing of the very strong affections that had existed earlier: That both of you had experienced quite intense mutual emotions (breakup and retribution) is undeniable! It is always very difficult when one's dreams seem to have been shattered...

No doubt, she was surely crushed... but in hindsight, I suspect she truly regrets that her followup was hasty and not soberly addressed. Both of you, however, are to be complimented for allowing your friendship to survive!