I'm so sad right now. After swimming today, a senior girl, D, was on the benches. She was doing math or something, I think.
And as I was walking by to do my own thing, she looks up and is like "hey, sit down for a sec!". So I do, and we talk for a few minutes, before she needs to go with one of the coaches, and she's like "well give me a hug now!" and I do, and she like snuggles into my neck and it tickles and stuff. Then she just says "Bye!" and leaves.
And that made me so sad for some reason. I suppose I'm projecting partially. I'm going to be devastated when Blake, the team leader leaves. He's already graduated from high school, and has signed up for the military, to be a navy rescue swimmer, which didn't seem to be too bad of an idea to me, maybe, before college.
He was originally scheduled to leave January 11, but now it's January 4, but he's been absent a lot longer. He has a job, and navy training, and has hardly been to practice for weeks and weeks.
A lot of team leaders were seniors last year and left, but Blake is different. He's the fastest, and really the biggest on the team, and he taught me how to swim basically 5 years ago when I was a little fish back in lessons.
When I was absent from swimming for weeks during summer for trips and things, when I got back we had a lot of fun and did things, and he was like "you know, I'm really glad you're back." Which made me so happy, knowing I could even register on his likeness scale.
But he's leaving on January 4, and I'm going to be crushed.
Same with D. Today, for some reason, it felt like saying goodbye forever, which is ridiculous, because she has the rest of the school year and the whole summer left still before she moves on to college or whatever she's doing. But I just feel like she was saying goodbye, even though she didn't mean it, and it's moved me to tears.
I really enjoyed that hug, and I've had it before, but I would have kissed her on the cheek, or maybe on the lips, maybe.
I think I love her, but just without attraction. Definitely not sexual, even though she is very pretty, and not really romantic either.
But when she and Blake are both gone I'm going to be destroyed I feel. I've left others behind, doing many things, but they're 2 of the most special people to me I've ever met...
I suppose some of the reason is that I've only known most of the people on the team since we swelled our ranks a year ago, after a falling out of most of the previous club.
So now, D, Blake, and me have been on the team the longest and have known each other the best.
I'm only sad I'm so much younger, so I have to keep on the team and continue to lead it by myself without them for years into the future.
I should put this in my self letter. But probably after I'm less emotional than I am now.