That girl I noticed so strongly last week, I'll codename her Sunny, gave me the most dazzling smile today. She really needs to stop doing that, or I'll definitely develop a crush on her, if I haven't done so already. This dazzling smile came just as I was leaving school, so I was left with the whole two-mile walk home just to think about Sunny and her smile and all the other girls and women whose smiles I have liked. In chronological order:
It kind of started with my father's longtime girlfriend, I think. She is one of the most significant people in my life, so I'll have to devote a separate entry to her some other time, and also give her a codename. Anyway, she was like a third parent to me, and even though she and my father broke up about five or six years ago, I still love her. She has a special kindness to her that most women lack - I don't even see it in my mother, but I have seen it in every girl I've found attractive. It shows in her smile most of all.
I suppose Nell merits mention, even though I only knew her for a few days. My family met her while we were all on vacation, not all that long after my father and his girlfriend split up. Nell was very much like her in appearance and in that special kindness, and my father and I both had sort of a crush on her - in my case I use the word 'crush' very loosely - because it was almost like having her (for whom I still need a codename...) back for a few days.
My seventh-grade counsellor - not like a therapist counsellor, just, you know, the school official with that title, whose exact role is not entirely clear - was very much the same as Nell in terms of how I felt about her.
The next was different because she was my own age - one of my eighth-grade classmates. Like Nell and the counsellor, she resembled my dad's ex-girlfriend both physically and otherwise. Her smile was just as dazzling as Sunny's. I consider her to be the first girl on whom I actually had a crush. ...Which means I must now characterise my attraction to Sunny as a crush as well, since it is the same feeling.
Then, of course, a little more than a year later, came Nicole. Love at first sight, lasting for two years, yeah, I don't need to retell the story every single journal entry. She had that special quality too, although in her it was a little different, and she didn't look anything like my would-be stepmother. Plus she was more angel than girl, I think. And her smile didn't leave me so much dazzled as just melted.
And now Sunny. It's been years since I've liked someone in a crush-like sense without caring about her (or, in even less recent cases, him). So I feel pretty good right now, like I could actually pursue the relationship without crippling fear of rejection - not that she wouldn't almost certainly reject me, just that when she did I wouldn't be too badly hurt. I don't think she's gay, unfortunately. Any advice on what sort of social outing could be used as a date-like chance for us to get to know each other better without being really obviously a date? Or is that just a bad idea? I don't know. The only time I've been on anything like a date was with a guy, and he asked me, so I don't really know anything about dating, and none of my friends is much more experienced than I am. Hmm.... Ah well.