This in itself is not a big deal... I guess what is weird is my reaction to it. Why should I be surprised and unhappy that I noticed a girl? Why indeed?
The act of noticing and the situation in which it happened were not particularly remarkable. She's not even someone whom I have never seen or noticed before. I actually noticed her quite a bit last year, not quite as strongly as today, but enough that the incident today should have been no surprise. Walking from one class to another, I found myself walking very near this girl whom I had met, noticed, and liked last year, and I just kept walking near her, enjoying the proximity, and everything was okay, I act like this all the time, et cetera. But then she saw me, and struck up conversation, and everything went kind of weird for me emotion-wise.
The best I can describe it is that I became very aware that she was a girl and that she was talking to me. Not just a person, passing in the corridors, but a girl, talking to me. She said something about classes, and something about how she had been working on the yearbook and seen my Senior Portrait and remembered it as looking really good, and I made what should have been polite and noncommittal replies and tried not to let it show that I was seeing her as a girl.
That whole seeing-her-as-a-girl thing perturbed me for quite some time. I don't know why. I mean, I've already fully recognised and accepted that I am not straight (although what exactly kind of not-straight I may be is, as yet, unclear, but I'm okay with that, too). Maybe it's just that nothing like this has happened to me for a long time. I've noticed people in some ways, I know, people have stood out to me, either as being especially good-looking (though only from an aesthetic standpoint), or having a particularly likable smile, or just being vaguely unusual, or whatever, and many of them I have noticed as being vaguely attractive, but they've always just been people. Not girls. Or boys, for that matter. Just people.
It wasn't like a sexual thing, either. I didn't find myself wanting to touch her, or even looking at her body. She's pretty, to be sure, but she's not, you know, hot. And not even prettier than a lot of other girls. She just looks like a pretty typical sensible seventeen-year-old American female.
More than anything, it was like when I first met the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name [Grey], only, of course, much less powerful. I just found myself liking her, in a way that straight girls do not like other girls, even if it's not a sexual way. Not that I didn't like her before. Not that I wasn't even a little bit interested in her before, or that I'm any more interested now. I don't even know. I don't think I have a crush on her or anything, not by my understanding of crush. But I could develop one, easily, I'm pretty sure of that.
I don't know what I thought, that I wouldn't notice anyone anymore after Grey was gone? That I was somehow beyond attraction now, immune to it? Intellectually, I believed nothing of the sort. But why, why did that little incident, those innocent, pleasant feelings of attraction, haunt the rest of my day? I stand mystified, perplexed, and (what may be different and worse) uncertain.