Monday

centerfielder08's picture

Monday is my favorite day. lemme just put that out there first and foremost.

And now that that's on the table, let me say whats been going on.

Yes , directly put, with explicit meaning and directions I WANT COMMENTS ON MY POST. No, this is not just for me to rant. I actually like reading everyone's feedback on here and I really do take everything under consideration.
Just, without getting comments, it only solidifies the evil inside my head and how nobody wants to be around it.

I've been pretty sick still...on withdrawal from the drugs and the effects of serotonin syndrome. I've been depressed now for months, well, whatever you want to call it. and suicidal, too. I haven't done what I wanted to do in this time period---ideas of self-harm fill my mind---which makes it all the more painful in my own head.

I feel as though these all contribute to the fact that I am slowly losing friends, one by one, as if one stone really did kill two birds, maybe even three or four, in my case.

I've attempted at shit before and I don't plan to do it ever again because the mere trauma of that is not even worth it.

I'm so out of it right now. And for the past several days, I've been feeling nothingness--an emptiness so deep as if my intestines have been drained out of my body. IT doesn't help that I cant eat without feeling sick to my stomach (and I'm emetophobic--fearful of vomiting) and that I've been so tired I keep taking long naps.

Its hard to imagine what I'm going to be doing a month from now. just because , since this has really taken to affecting me physically as well, I don't know how strong I will be. currently, as I write this, right after eating a meal ..I feel sick to my stomach once again.

Treatment is going okay. I started a new med that I'm not sure about yet. Granted, I've only had it in small doses in my system so far.
Someone told me the other day that maybe I would fall under the category of BPD sufferers---BPD=borderline personality disorder. Sure as hell dont wanna ask any therapists because I cant throw even more crap onto my parents' lap.

sometimes I'm afraid about things that others seem to take for granted. I want to continue my education but its too hard with everything thats going on. and in the interim, i'm not sure I could hold a steady full time job. I don't know what I'm doing.

tomorrow I have my therapy group and the group leader who runs it on Tuesdays is the one i like , so i'm psyched for that. I also have to meet with the doctor and 1-on-1 with my therapist.
1-on-1 is okay, though last time, it ended with me having to talk about my previous relationship with a boy that came about 2 years ago but is so traumatic that i told my therapist in all seriousness, just talking about it is so painful it literally makes me want to kill myself.

have yet to bring up Eli. I'm thinking before group , i'll call the group leader and just talk through what i'm feeling since I can't preserve all these thoughts and feelings to share during group time.

maybe tongiht I'll do that chain analysis they suggest. I don't know how much energy I have.

in the meanwhile,I'm gonna be hanging around my computer for at least the next hour or twoo, so please comment or PM me. I'm seriously alone as fuck.

everyone taht told me they'd "always be there for me" are those same people who dont text back when i try to tell them that i'm in crisis mode.
fuckthis.

long entry....read at your own discretion.

Comments

MacAvity's picture

When I'm depressed, I can't

When I'm depressed, I can't eat either. Granted, the longest that's ever gone on for me is about three or four days, but even so. When it happens I make sure to get nourishment by drinking small but frequent quantities of nutritious liquids like milk, tomato juice, and chicken broth. This keeps me from fainting from hunger and also protects my depressed stomach from solid foods it just can't handle.

loreonpravus's picture

I know right? There's this

I know right?

There's this girl I like on and off, but usually she's just a friend, and she's always saying "I'm TOTALLY there for you, call me if you need anything" and then I text her and she won't text back. Gah.

centerfielder08's picture

yes, one of my ultimate pet

yes, one of my ultimate pet peeves. this girl who said she'd always "ALWAYS" be there, will text back "oh, i'm with my bf...cant talk" or..."i'm playing scrabble with my parents"

oh, i musta forgotten...those are MORE important than the direness of crisis :x

argh

ferrets's picture

hmmmm

i text while i play scrabble. tthat shouldnt intefer.

i remeber the not eating when i usedd to hate my queernes. it seemed so pointless to put this stuff in my mouth, hit it with my teeth, then swallow it

More people have been slaughtered in the name of religion than for any other single reason. That, my friends, that is true perversion.
-Harvey Milk

centerfielder08's picture

ferrets....i agree. for some

ferrets....i agree.
for some reason, recently, food has been like sleep to me. i know i need both to survive, but they both seem like a waste. then again, most things have started to get that way i guess.

without TMI-ing...even going to the bathroom seems like such a time sucker. even for 30 seconds. why waste the time? i hate it. ihate doing it.

MacAvity's picture

Sucking time from what?

Sucking time from what?