"My bags are packed, I'm ready to go"

centerfielder08's picture

the title are lyrics from a song. anyway, I finally packed my bags for group earlier with my journal entries printed out.
i handed them to my therapist today.

my brain feels cannibalistic.

what i learned of myself in group today: i have "magical thinking" ( an ACTUAL psychiatric term) .

im so scared. i dont like how my head feels. like its eating itself from the outside-in.

i didt have a car ride or a bus to take to group so i took a 2+ mile walk there. once i got there i realized that in my long walk there, i tore off much of the skin on the back of both of my ankles. luckily, in the building where the group therapy is, there are some people that had band-aids and something like neosporin, so they fixed up both of my feet...they looked embarrassingly grotesque.

ANYWAYSSSS...the group leader questioned me about yesterday and we had this huge talk (in front of the rest of the group) including her asking me about why my SI numbers were higher than usual :x/


MacAvity's picture

What be 'SI numbers'? And is

What be 'SI numbers'? And is 'magical thinking' good? It sounds kind of good...

centerfielder08's picture

SI stands for suicidal

SI stands for suicidal ideation, so we rate it from 0-5, based on the highest urges we have in a given period of time...5 being very extreme urges.
very infrequently are my SI numbers reported at 0...sometimes 2, but usually 3, 3.5 or 4, mainly. whereas yesterday that was at 4.5 and SIB urges (self injurous behavior, urges to hurt myself) were at 5 when usually theyre a little lower. those are higher usually than my SI ones, but my SI ones were higher yesterday than they had been in a long while it seems.

'Magical thinking'...depends who you ask, I guess. basically, heres an example... I was really jealous of this one girl because she had everything (or so I thought) and I was always secretly wishing for some fault of hers to be exposed. And then it was...a family member of hers passed away. magical thinking means that I find a connection in that, as if, in some way...I willed that to happen.

or heres another example...if I wear a blue shirt and have a good day, i'm convinced anytime I want to have a good day, I wear a blue shirt, and in order to have a good day I need to be wearing a blue shirt. make sense?

MacAvity's picture

Righto. So, not so good. I'm

Righto. So, not so good. I'm sorry.

swimmerguy's picture


Jet Plane! I love that song.

No one escapes from life alive

epicfailure's picture

I have that "magical

I have that "magical thinking" too but mines bad. Whenever I say something out loud offhandedly, it happens and i don't mean it to happen.

* Like what Shaggy said "it wasn't me"*

centerfielder08's picture

yuppas. unfortunately R

unfortunately R (group therapist) is off today. but she said if i ever need to confess---one of my biggest compulsions (yes, i have OCD) is the need to confess, which makes sense due to all i've written on here .... ---im allowed to call her and confess to her answering machine. she actually OFFERED and said i'd be ALLOWED to do that, that that'd be OKAY.

theres comfort in that. thanks, R.

fml....i had a dream last night that i wrote up this journal on here and then i woke up and realized i didnt write any of it. harhar. this means i must write it soon to confess about it. harumph!