My only significant closet door has been opened...

MacAvity's picture

It was, I think, on Wednesday evening that I finally acted on the thought that had been nagging the back of my mind for a while, which thought being that I really needed to come out to my female friend, whom I shall codename Regi, now that I know for sure that I'm not straight.

I haven't made a big deal about coming out to anyone else. I wouldn't go around telling them 'I'm straight' if I were, so I see no reason to go around telling them I'm not. But Regi is the only one to whom I've actually said 'I'm straight,' or 'I'm not gay,' or 'you know I don't like girls that way' since I started having serious doubts about the truth of those statements, so I knew I had to correct the falsehoods I had told her. Especially as I promised her two years ago, after a particularly big and blatant and long-running lie, that I would not lie to her again.

So, as I say, on Wednesday evening I sent her a little Gmail chat. I don't like having important conversations through technological means, and in fact for this reason I have forsworn email for the remainder of the school year (the idea being that if my interpersonal relationships cannot continue without the aid of technology, perhaps they are not the sort that should be continuing at all), but this time I just needed it to set up the scene for the important conversation. The important part of the chat was as follows:

me: Hey. You there?
Apparently no.
Well, just wanted to say that I'd like to tell you something in person when that's convenient. Because I promised two years ago that I wouldn't lie to you anymore, and I want to hold myself to that promise. And I'll just tell you now, I haven't just been lying to you. I've been lying to everyone, pretty much, including myself. But now that I'm being honest with myself, it's time for me to be honest with you, too. So next time the opportunity arises...a private word. That's all.
Regi:macavity? Macavity whats all this??? u there? hellow??
me: Hi. Yeah. In person. I just want to talk in person sometime. Correct a lie I told when I wasn't completely sure it was a lie.
Regi ok.

So I didn't see her the next day (yesterday), but today I did, and she asked me what I had to tell her, but it was during a passing period and I really needed more time than that, so we agreed to meet at lunch. And naturally I was pretty nervous and distracted and all for the two periods meantimes, she is, after all, the person with whom I have been friends since kindergarten, but when lunch finally came around and Regi started pestering me again - she's very good at pestering - I managed to just simply say: 'I told you I was straight. Not true.'

Her response was 'Ha! I knew it! Or what?' I told her I didn't know. Which is true enough. And what was really nice was that she didn't act like nothing had happened, she didn't just start talking about something else, she actually stayed on topic, in a nice way. We talked about the girl I liked and how I felt about her, and about how Regi (as we all know - we being everyone who knows Regi, I mean) thinks guys are hot, and how I don't really think anybody is hot, and how other of her friends have come out to her recently: one as bisexual and another as 'not bi,' although apparently the 'not bi' one didn't specify whether she had figured out that she was not bi in a gay direction or a straight direction. So on the whole, the conversation left me relieved. A load off my chest, with no consequences good or ill.

In other news, my town is going to hold a 'Candlelight Vigil' this evening for all the recent suicide victims. I kind of want to go, but another part of me says, 'You never cared about this sort of thing before. Why are you jumping into the queer community like this? Can't you just be queer without turning into one of those social-activist types?' and that part is probably right. The issue really doesn't interest me all that much - not that I don't think it's horrible and sad, mind, it's just one of those things with which I don't generally get involved - and if I were to go, the real reason would be more one of 'jumping into the queer community,' which is the wrong reason. I feel kind of bad, though, not going. Alas...


loreonpravus's picture

As per the vigil thing,

As per the vigil thing, you're commemorating them, right? If you've got an alterior motive so be it, you'll be there anyways.

MacAvity's picture

I didn't end up going, but

I didn't end up going, but yeah, I suppose. If I had gone I would have felt really weird, like I was there but not really commemorating them. I would have known that everyone around me was experiencing some deep heartfelt emotion for these people he had never met while I thought about something stupid and irrelevant and felt nothing but guilty for feeling nothing else. This has happened to me before at somber occasions and it makes me feel like a complete fraud. So it's probably shallow of me to avoid the situation altogether, but I do it, and that's why.