Relief, and something else

MacAvity's picture

I think the hideous uncertainty is over, and things are definitely on their way back to normal between me and my friend Leigh. He really has been very busy, he has also been unsure of what I want from him, and maybe some other factors came into play as well, but some sort of unspoken compromise has been reached and at least we're not going to fall apart.

In order to avoid losing this trend of reparation, I'm going to just refrain from any serious personal discussions for a while. I don't want to scare him off again. I'll just let him do most of the talking, let the topics of conversation remain in the realm of books and movies and schoolwork and past experiences, let everything return fully to normal (whether the new normal is quite the same as the old normal doesn't really matter), before trying anything more.

The problem is, though, I don't know what that 'more' would be. I don't know whether I want to pursue the course of trying to be 'more than friends.' I used to want to. I thought that the one good thing that would come of my heartbreak would be that as he helped me recover, we would become closer than ever. Instead it drove us apart, and he did not help me to recover in the slightest. I still don't know why. Is he secretly in love with me, and hurt because I fell for somebody else, a girl, no less? Is he just not everything I thought he was? Or was I simply asking for more than any attention-deficit teenage nerd-boy could give?

I don't really want to stay single forever. I'm amazed he hasn't made some similar complaint - then again, I haven't exactly made that complaint to him, so chances are he's probably having similar thoughts. Sometimes he seems even more asexual than I am. Then again, I act a lot more asexual than I feel.

So I don't even know what I'll do once things make it to normal.Maybe I will complain about being single, to see if he feels the same way. Maybe I'll ask him how long it was after his own heartbreak that he started noticing girls again. Maybe we'll both try to find dates with girls. Or, most likely, things will continue just as they always have, we two single, asexual nerds hanging out together, acting asexual and nerdly, until we graduate, and from there grow increasingly distant until we barely remember the last time we saw each other and don't know whether we'll ever see each other again.... Damn. I hate that option. But at least it hasn't happened yet. I must try not to spoil the feeling of relief arising from the knowledge that for now, things are at least okay.