This is what its been like

centerfielder08's picture

A dull buzz in my ear and then nothing.

I am exhausted to the point where sitting up from a lying down position takes an undue amount of effort and strength on my part that I do not feel up to the task not even one small bit. And yet, whiile I move my fingers from letter to letter on the keyboard, with my arms hanging rather limpless at my body's side, tired, I feel nothing. I am to the point of exhaustion where I am no longer exhausted.

And this is how I feel I've been living.

I'm so suicidal I can't kill myself. I'm so tired I have energy. I'm so anxious that anxiety is now but a buzz in my ear and I am free. I am feeling so done with this world that my body makes me stick around. I'm so intelligent yet I have no common sense.

I'm so alone right now and yet I don't want to be with people. Because even in the biggest crowd, I am still one. I am still in my same brain.

Why can't my brain merely be a hat for which I can decide when to put on and take off?

I'm so intent on hearing from people that I know yet when they do text, call, email I don't want to respond. I feel so empty right now. I need someone to fill in the void within me.

I am so terrified that I am sitting here staring at the four walls of my room. I cant get anything done. I am so fearful I have no fear. I am so depressed. Sometimes I wish I could live outside of my own head.

I'm trying to do one of the skills we learn in DBT, which is known as "opposite to emotion action" which means exactly as which it sounds. I really need help right now and want to call my therapist but I'm so scared. I'm so scared because I feel like I need her to say the right thing yet I don't even know why I want to call. I may call and just sit on this side while she questions me. I don't know what to say and I don't want to talk to her. But thats why I need to call.

I'm at the point of ultimate depression where I could careless what someone says , but I'm waiting for the perfect response. For someone to actually want to pull me in close to them and tell me that its okay. I cant tell myself that. I dont believe it when those words come out of my own mouth.

For once...I am feeling everything so much so that I feel nothing. My thoughts are racing at such high speeds that I am no longer thinking.

At the points in which I feel most awful and most alone, I also feel most mechanical and most robotic. Like some grey blob.

This is what its come down to. Maybe I havent evvolutionized--that sounds better to me than 'evolved'--like I'm supposed to. maybe I'm not fully who I should be. Maybe, while everyone else on this Earth is a human, I am but merely a walking amoeba.

I dont believe in evolution so i dont know why Im saying that. And I dont know why I am saying all this to you people. I don't know why I want to say everything and nothing at the same time. I dont want to need help but sometimes I do.

I know I sound awful and youre just going to say that I dont because you dont know what else to say so you'll say that and other shit like "think positive" that while you mean well, that solves absoluetely nothing, not even one bit, of my problem.

I long to feel something.

I think I'm going to call the therapist now. As I feel I've exhausted the only words I can right here. And I dont think anyone is reading any of these journals anyway, so whats the point anymore?

Comments

elph's picture

Wrong... I've Read Every Word!

And I acknowledge that your current state is crying for remedial action. I wish I had the ability to provide the help that you're so much in need of... but I'm feeling woefully impotent...

I think I understand your desperation...

But... please consult your therapist right now... and don't hang up until you have either an immediate appointment or a plan of action that makes sense to you.

Hugs!

centerfielder08's picture

Thank you so much, elph.

Thank you so much, elph. Its nice to know there's someone :) Even if you're the only one, hearing you is so much better than the sound , the deafening sound of silence...even if on a computer screen.

Right after I posted this journal, I decided it was necessary to call my therapist and so I did so. she and I stayed on the phone for about 11 minutes or so and she made sure that I had actions to take today--plans for which I can take my mind off of, well, my own mind.

I'm going to be seeing her tomorrow during group therapy and so she said she'd specifically talk to me, aside from the group, about the rest of how of today goes. She's going to check in with me and ask about what I did after I talked with her. She also asked if I needed anything else and when I said I couldnt think of anything else that needed to be mentioned at the moment, she reiterated how she's there, along with the other medical professionals. And to call if I need any of them.

HUGS!

and she said it was good that I called...even though before I dialed her number, I went back and forth several times of dialing the numbers and then deleting them before pressing "SEND." But I did end up calling.

MacAvity's picture

He is not the only one.

He is not the only one.

centerfielder08's picture

hugs, MacAvity :) i love

hugs, MacAvity :)

i love everyone here :) truly truly