too much to really type into one entry...

hellonwheels's picture

it's been one hell of a past few weeks. first the nation wide attention to the suicides, then two kids i knew in school commit suicide, all in the same week i had been having depressing and suicidal feelings.

Shit seems like it keeps getting worse. matt, RIP man. we may have had our differences in school, but 21 is too young. same with you luke. RIP guys.

these two guys in the last two weeks brings the total of kids who died in my high school and college years to 15! 15! some were not suicide, but most were. and you can't tell me wrapping your car around a tree isn't necessarily a form of suicide. it is.

I have had friends come back from iraq and drive their cars through barriers @ high speeds. supposedly passed out at the wheel. bullshit.

I dunno. It's been a shitty few weeks. lukes death first, now matt's. idk.

I am also failing out of two classes rihgt now and the quarter has barely begun. I can't wake up for the 8 am class since i can't sleep, and the 11 o' clock one i have missed as well.

i just feel i have no energy. and i got sick this week due to food poisoning as well, so i missed the chance to make up a test.

my bi-polar has been out of whack lately too. I am going crazy.

then, on top of that, my sister was being a total bitch the other night @ our dad's birthday @ his adult family home and I stormed out after she accused me of stealing from his accounts, which i am not on anyway since he basically disowned me when i was 17 and took me off of his accts and took away my power of attorney over him.

so yeah. shit could be going a lot better. was supposed to start on meds today, but the damn pharmacy closed early, so now im @ home slef medicating(drinking) and listening to music to get me by, but i will probably miss class tomorrow as well. been an awesome few weeks.

sorry, had to rant abit.

i consider myself lucky to be alive still i guess. idk. something about the suicide stats makes me want to stay alive, yet at the same time, what makes life worth living if you can't know love and happiness?

to quote the sabbath lyric. "happiness i cannot feel as love to me is so unreal'

also, on another note, watched eight, the mormon proposition the other day. great documentary. if you haven't seen it, i encourage you to, although it can be a little angering.

Comments

Uncertain's picture

I can totally relate to the

I can totally relate to the self-medicating thing. Hang in there man

hellonwheels's picture

thanks max.

how you been, my crazy kiwi friend?

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

centerfielder08's picture

hell....im so sorry man.

hell....im so sorry man. someone i know committed suicide in may and i still cant fucking get past it.
:x

im most definitely here to talk.
i really wanna.

youre awesome, bro, and i miss chattin with u

hellonwheels's picture

thanks man.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

lonewolf678's picture

just...

...hang in there. i recommend stop drinking alcohol. alcohol and depression are a bad mixture. i know all to well what it feels like to lose close friends. as for your schooling try to see if they will let you take make-up tests or whatever they can offer you in terms of recovering credits. hang on, eventually something will get better.