MacAvity's picture

For some reason I find weekends oddly depressing now. Maybe it's just all the time I have with no excuse to hide in my little nerd-cave being unsociable. Homework is the usual excuse, but I can't ever pretend I have a whole weekend's worth of it.

So I am starting this entry now, which is Saturday evening, but I probably won't finish it until much later because my father is here for the weekend, which means that I have much less privacy than usual because he naturally wants to spend time with his progeny, besides which he's kipping with me so I don't even have that time between declaring 'I'm off to bed' and actually getting to bed. But it is nice that he's here. We went on a pleasant sort of hike today, and got lost, and drove out to the apple farm to get cider - to do that I had to drive on the freeway for pretty much the first time, and it actually was not as terrifying as I had expected...anyway, not a bad weekend so far. It's unfortunate that weekends are so mysteriously depressing, or it would be a downright pleasant one.

Regi came over yesterday evening, too, so that was something else that was nice. Regi is just very cute. Cute as in endearingly goofy. Even though, aesthetically, I can appreciate that she is hot, pretty, and in every way a very attractive female, I'm really not attracted to her, physically or romantically. This was the first time I had spent any significant time with her since I told her I'm not straight, and it was really good. I didn't have to feign interest in guys, for one thing, and I could tell her about Sunny and ask if she had any words of wisdom on the subject, which she didn't. She didn't seem any less inclined to be affectionate, either; she was violating my personal space bubble just as much as always, so that was good, too.

This morning my father and I went to see my counsellor, and I feel like it was the first time my counselling sessions have so much as touched upon anything important. It's hard for me to explain what it was, just something about the relationship between me and my father, and how we communicate, and the woes we share, because really we do have quite a few woes in common. But it brought me to tears twice. Bringing me to tears is not particularly difficult, especially when my father is involved in the conversation, but this was the first time it had happened in counselling. So it remains to be seen what may come of that.

I still haven't come out to my dad. I don't know how much he may suspect; he hasn't been saying much recently by way of assuming me to be straight, which is kind of inconvenient when it comes to coming out to him, because I have been planning to do it next time he makes some sort of comment about my future husband, or boys I may like, or anything like that. But those comments have not been happening, so the opportunity to say, 'Um...Dad...I'm not actually sure I even like guys...' has not arisen.

What else? Hmm...

Last night I had a pretty interesting dream. I don't remember the setup exactly, but it culminated in Sunny, the girl on whom I have a new and mild crush, wanting me to kiss her. I was happy, naturally, almost thrilled even. But I didn't do it. Something about the setting not being right, or my mouth not being clean enough, or something. We hugged and cuddled a bit, and kissed on the cheeks and ears but not on the lips, and I promised her that we would have a real kiss sometime within the next few days. She seemed sufficiently satisfied with that. The dream was nice. It felt good cuddling like that, and I'm even sort of glad we didn't kiss just then. But it got me to thinking, because it's not the first time I've put off kissing someone in a dream - sure, there have been other times when I haven't put it off, but even so. What if I put it off in life, too, when the time comes?

Whoa. Random deja vu, typing that. Never mind. Returning to my train of thought now.

As I was saying, what if I get the opportunity for a kiss in reality, but don't take it? It would be like me to do that, I think. Considering how often I've done it in dreams and all. What if I 'chicken out' at the last moment, because the setting is too mundane or because I haven't brushed my teeth? What if the other person no longer wants to kiss me at all after that? It could delay my first kiss for years more! It's been delayed enough already, I think. There is no chance at all that I am going to get it before I turn eighteen, very, very little chance that I am going to get it before I graduate high school, and then from there I'll probably become less and less inclined to interact with people, and... my future looks bleak when it comes to kissing.

I should probably just talk to Sunny, initiate greater interactions. At least become more like almost-friends than barely-acquainted-classmates. I'd ask her to a movie or something, but there is nothing playing that I think either of us would like, nothing even coming soon. So I don't know. The great thing is that, even though it almost certainly wouldn't work - my pursuing a relationship with her, I mean - I feel willing to risk it because even in the highly unlikely worst-case event that she ends up hating me, it's not that big a loss, because I have no real emotional investment in her, I only like her. Plus, it would be a way to be more open without going around telling everybody 'Hey guys, I'm gay,' which I refuse to do if only because I would not go around telling people I was straight if I were. I just wish I knew how to go about initiating those greater interactions.

Astonishingly, I have been able to finish this tonight because my family went to watch a soccer game at the local university, so I've had the house to myself...


Uncertain's picture

Sometimes time alone is time

Sometimes time alone is time well spent :)

625539's picture

Regarding your dreams...

Regarding your dreams... Everything in the subconscious mind is symbolic. What is your brain trying to tell you?

nothing is permitted. everything is allowed.