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cheese's picture

so i was attempting to use this proxy server my friend had recomended to me yesterday, and it totally failed me. like really hard. :(
i just wanted to check my effing email :P lol
im anxious to check it cause i poured my heart out into an email last night around 8 :P
and it was pretty emotional, and mushy. lol.
things arent going so great with becky.
she's going out with this guy now, my former "friend".
and im not mad at her. if im gonna be mad at anyone, its that douche bag i used to call my friend.
i mean, he knew i still had feelings for her. everyone did. you could tell just by the way i acted around her.
i wasnt in love with her, i was just kinda fond for her. you know?
but whatever. fuck him.
oh and now she's being a total bitch towards me.
i hadnt seen her for a week til yesterday, and she completely ignored me.
and then she got mad at me cause i started bugging her.
but only cause she wasnt paying attention to me.
she might be moving.
and i hate to admit it, but im pretty glad she is.
she's starting to get to be too much.
it seems like she's always doin something that pisses me off.
fuck.
and then i went on cam with Christina last night.
gosh. all those old feelings just came rushing back.
and that's what that email was about. :P
i just hope she wont be a douche towards me like she usually is sometimes when i tell her i have strong feelings for her still.
hopefully she'll be a sweetheart and assure me things will eventually get better between us.
like...relationship wise....like me and her...
i know i shouldnt be thinking about that. i know i shouldnt want to be with her anymore, especially after all the shit we've been through.
i mean.... fuck me.
:\
but she was being all sweet towards me these last couple days. she told me she wants me to go to london with her. and all this other crap.
she told me that im fucking amazing and she loved me (her saying she loved me wasnt out of the ordinary, just the other words that accompanied it were) after i sent her stuff in the mail.
stuff she'd been bugging me to send her cause she was curious.
stuff from when we were together.
a card for our 1 yr anniversary to be exact. the one i never got to send to her because we broke up.
:(
oh and this picture i drew for her like a 9 months ago lol.
i poured my naive heart out in that card.
i dont know why she reactedthat way.
it was sweet though. it gave me a warm fuzzy feeling.
i hate myself.