I'm really not sure what I'm experiencing right now. This journal is a good place to document my feelings, though.
On one hand, I feel distinctly uncomfortable with female pronouns. On the other hand, sometimes I reminisce about identifying as a lesbian, and the idea of being a girl in love with another girl feels so lovely. I rarely associate my femininity/femaleness with traditionally feminine clothes any more, though. If I feel like a girl, it's specifically like a lesbian girl, and a dapper butch girl at that. At the same time, I often feel like my sweet, awkwardish guy-ness is very very similar. When imagining myself looking like a gothic dapper butch woman, I didn't picture breasts. I mostly just imagined that I let my natural femininity show.
I don't know what this means. I feel like I'm not totally ftm, and not totally a girl, and not even bigendered any more. I don't know quite what I'm feeling.