I'm panicking again...the feeling of weightlessness and the loss of control of my extremities. I'm having a hard time calming down my hands and I've hid my legs under a blanket so that they don't lose their control as well.
I'm listening to the NOW 30 CD that I got from the library this past weekend. The songs seem to just brush past me and each one feels so much longer but ends faster than normal.
I'm having racing , intrusive thoughts. Maybe this is a panic attack.
I'm going through such extreme feeling and pain internally that I'm lacking in feeling and I'm just barely "living" it feels. I'm robotic as ever. I don't know why I'm so hypo-(or is it hyper-)sensitive. Always have been. Only hurts me.
Last night was really bad as well. I hate how each night feels like its the worse its ever been and then the next day I top it with an even worse feeling. Luckily today I have treatment for 3 hours, which is definitely a good thing because as of now I don't see how I'll be getting out of bed. Everything just seems to be happening to me, as if I have no control in the outcome, so luckily I'll get some help at group today.
I feel so guilty about everything Ive done and everything I've been feeling and thinking.
I have another major headache right now which is pretty painful. I'm trying to ground myself with music, with writing, with communicating with people online, but so far none of it has worked. I'm in outer space right now.
I dreamt about group last night which is pretty embarrasssing.
I am getting these thoughts in my head that I haven't had in two years and now they're coming back. I hate them. My body feels like its moving on without me. As if everything is passing me by. I dont know whether its my brain or my heart that feels as if its been shut down by some larger, dictatorship. I think I experience everything wrong.
My head is pounding and I'm hoping that by journaling soon I'll stop censoring myself and I can just write everything that comes to my mind. Or say it aloud to myself. Is that a paradox of terms? I need to say all of this during group, I know.
I'm scared because I want to pull someone closer to me but I'm having trouble talking to others right now because I feel as though I lay everything out on the table to help them and , to no avail , they always leave before they can be there for me.
I'm afraid I haven't mentioned her before, but I sorta had a girlfriend earlier this year, Ch. I'm calling her Ch because I know that at one point I had mentioned on her about my old crush on C, but thats not the same person so I'm writing "Ch" to distinguish between the two of them.
Anyway, this past April, around Eastertime...Ch attempted suicide and texted me about it...I had been acting as her "therapist" because thats the role I find myself often falling into/under and I wanted to fix everything for her. So then one morning when I get a text from her saying she had or was going to slit her wrists I was at a loss for words and ideas of what to say or do or what came next. Anyway, she went to the hospital and I put everything out there.
I prayed for her daily, sometimes multiple times a day, and communicated with her mom through both text and over the phone and then when I found out my friend got out of the hospital, I talked with her just about immediately. And while I'm not in the same position she was, I don't , I just dont understand or know why I dont get the same in return. She's never there for me, and when I do feel badly and try to express it, she says some shitty thing like "oh, sorry" and then that's it and goes on rambling about her boyfriend. I cant stand it.
I cant stand the feeling of me being out here alone in the dark. I feel like I'm once again stuck again in the closet.
And I know right now its the biology/biological processes going on within my body that are seemingly screwing me over. I don't want to be a girl. I don't want to be Sofia anymore. She's had to suffer too much.
Why can't I just re-emerge as some new person?
But in the meantime, I know that I'll never be the subject of someone else's prayers because nobody has ever put anything on the line to help me. Its all them. Its such a screwed up society like that. I get the brunt (is that the right word/ right usage of the word?) of it. I never get the help because I'm so caught up in other people that I'll lay down my life to help them and then when I dust my knees off to stand up and when I soon after fall down, they walk away and fall again, waiting for me to risk everything once again to save their sorry-ass souls. Why do I come away feeling like the bad guy every time?
Why do I keep seekeing these people out? These people who will control and manipulate me and my every emotion and thought and feeling? Why do I seek out those who are sickest?
It only leads to disappointment and abandonment. I don't really get why friendship is worth it. Its so painful that the occasional reward doesnt always seem worth pursuing any of it anymore.
Sometimes I tell myself I dont care just with the hopes that maybe soon I can make myself stop so caring about others so much. I need to repair myself first. But my promise to not care never follows through. I am sick of that.
I'm sick of being the one risked to help others and never the one who can ask for help. I'm the one who has to always be strong and know the right words to say. Just yesterday, as I was trying to convince myself that I had a purpose, my other friend was trying to stop from hurting herself and I found myself saying these words to her that I have yet to buy into myself. About how none of this was her fault about how the sexual abuse / rape was not her doing/her causing, that she was the victim and that mental illness is about chemical imbalances, not our goodness-gosh awful souls turning in on ourselves and our crippled souls turned dark and ugly.
I'm sick of this confessing shit but where else to do it?
Who wants to listen to it anyway?
I talked to my therapist last week but she didnt even understand what I was saying. hell, thats comforting (SARCASM).