Blech, dysphoria.

an_drew's picture

I am having a dysphoric day.

Today was decent until I got up to get dressed. I've been struggling with something selfish- there's a flannel shirt I love that my girlfriend hates. It has a slight history, in that it reminds her of someone who she dislikes. So I've been trying to wear it in ways that bother her less, but I think I should just cut the shirt out of my life. It is really just a shirt, and looking out for my girlfriend means so much more to me.

But then we wound up talking about a mutual friend who's been known to completely disregard a friend's trans status. He uses the wrong pronouns when she isn't there, he basically insists she's male and won't see her as female, etc. I haven't come out to him, but I'm pretty sure I'll get the same reaction.

The thing is, and I don't know if this is my own anger or our society's expectations of men...but I really want to just punch him.

I know this is problematic. But I want to fight him. I want to take him down. I want him to know that he can't just treat my identity and my friend's identity like they're optional. Like he doesn't have to respect them. He does. It doesn't matter how he sees us, what matters is how we see us.

That in itself is why fighting him would be worthless. It wouldn't change anything, really. No one can control what he says or thinks but him. Still, I'm just so full of rage about this. Because dysphoria feels like depression. He is effectively responsible for my friend and me feeling this depression when he treats us like the gender he thinks we are. And it's not right. But neither is this thought I'm having that physically proving myself to him determines whether or not I am a man.

Some feminists will probably always think that FTMs are buying into the patriarchy, cashing in on male privilege, and abandoning our sisters. But I think the patriarchy hurts us just as much. And I want to smash it to bits too.

I'm currently really glad I set up this journal. It's a safe space for me to just rant about how it feels to be trans. Some days, it really does feel shitty, but then someone calls me sir or young man and it's like hugging the cutest animal in the world. It feels so fantastic. I wish I felt it every day.

Comments

ferrets's picture

hmmm

i know about the rage. i get it to. it just seems like it would help so much if you just once did it. but then i rationalizethta it shant help and might jsut make it worse...dosnt mean i dont still want to

"A loving man and woman in a committed relationship can marry. Dogs, no matter what their relationship, are not allowed to marry. How should society treat gays and lesbians in committed relationships? As dogs or as humans?"

an_drew's picture

I am a pacifist (well, okay,

I am a pacifist (well, okay, I do love guns and swords and the like, and play a full contact sport, and like sparring, but outside of competitions, I'm a total tree hugging hippie type), so I'd really prefer not to start anything with this guy or anyone else- and he is getting better about his issues with trans people- but sometimes I just get that ragey feeling and I just want to punch someone or something. Though just working out makes it better in most cases. It helps with dysphoria, too, though sometimes I wish I had access to a giant punching bag so I could beat it up for a bit until I felt better.

Pronouns: he/him/his or zie/hir/hirs, please! :)