chapped lips

Dracofangxxx's picture

it's not because i don't love you anymore

it's because you don't love me anymore

i feel like the page has been torn out of the end of this story, and we've instead, traveled back to the first chapter to try and fill in the blanks

but it doesn't work that way

you don't smile. i miss your smile, your crinkle-eyed and shaky laugh, the way you sway side to side and put your hand over your taught lips

i wonder, to myself, if i'm imagining it. for weeks now, i've been pretending- pretending that i'm happy, in a great mood, to try and cheer you up

but to no avail

i am lazy, and fatigued by this. i come home crying, crying because i don't know what to do anymore. i pray, and i am not typically religious. i pray, hunched over, shaking, in the covers of my comforting bed in the suffocating oxyx darkness that is my room, and hope someone can hear me besides the scratching rats in the attic.

let me be honest.

i do not think "us" is bad. i enjoy being with you. i can just tell, in your cross-arm barricade of emotions, your snapped tone of annoyance, and sharp-tongued sarcasm, that you do not feel the same quite anymore. it's always so obvious, and how you can possibly believe, in that dark-haired head of yours, that i don't notice.

i am writing this, weakly, and my stomach is in knots. i can't speak this to your face, so i cautiously, nervously, write it on this site for the other people to see, and maybe, pity me. or pity you?

cowardly, i am.

i will keep trying, to make that smile return. i will push for you to call me pretty, for you to hold my hand, for you to love me. i am, again, a shaking, nervous wreck that cannot stand up.

my tongue is tied in knots, as well.

from the start, i believed that for once, you really did love me more.
that i was in control.
but i was wrong, again, you tricked me into loving you more than i thought i did.

oh, the precious days of band camp, where you couldn't get enough of me.

i don't even understand, what's really going on. away from school you're not so bad, not so judging and quick to bite at me, together in person outside of school you're pretty normal, even mad for me

but at school?

i can't stand it anymore, i don't know what to do. i'm up in arms, fleeing what i feel is crashing. our relationship, is on fire. and i am watching, smiling, laughing, holding the match.

look what insanity you are driving me to, the watching eyes of the public must think i'm mad; a drooling, spitting, head-banging-against-the-walls-in-a-straight-jacket type of mad

and i am mad
mad for you?
mad for love?

why can't i please you anymore


Dracofangxxx's picture

On a more serious, less insane note;

I don't know if you guys remember my Trig Girl, who I really wanted to talk to?
Well, lately, I've been feeling like she's staring at me in class and I am really scared to figure out. So I just sort of avoid looking up from my desk at all times, and in doing this, I usually grab my little purple sketchbook and draw doodles and shit.

So, one particularily stare-y day, she gets up while I'm drawing, stands in front of my desk, looks at my drawing and goes:
{Point}"Hey. That's cool."
Now, already, I had been really freaking out. By now, I probably looked like I was going to cry
{looks up slowly} Thaaank. Youuuuuu!
{Looks back down}

Now, let me tell you, I was FUHREEKIN' out that whole period after that XD She likes my drawings!!!!
You are beautiful, in every single way <3

elph's picture

Oh, Boy: Intense! No?

Is there no way that this could find its way (surreptitiously, of course) into the hands of the addressee?

Isn't communicating one's desires and affections... just... much too difficult?

I think it's that we'd rather remain in dreamy ignorance than risk an unwelcome response...

Dracofangxxx's picture

I'm starting my advance, but not through this

just sort of wrote this to get my mind into gear. I already know what has to be done.
You are beautiful, in every single way <3