it's not because i don't love you anymore
it's because you don't love me anymore
i feel like the page has been torn out of the end of this story, and we've instead, traveled back to the first chapter to try and fill in the blanks
but it doesn't work that way
you don't smile. i miss your smile, your crinkle-eyed and shaky laugh, the way you sway side to side and put your hand over your taught lips
i wonder, to myself, if i'm imagining it. for weeks now, i've been pretending- pretending that i'm happy, in a great mood, to try and cheer you up
but to no avail
i am lazy, and fatigued by this. i come home crying, crying because i don't know what to do anymore. i pray, and i am not typically religious. i pray, hunched over, shaking, in the covers of my comforting bed in the suffocating oxyx darkness that is my room, and hope someone can hear me besides the scratching rats in the attic.
let me be honest.
i do not think "us" is bad. i enjoy being with you. i can just tell, in your cross-arm barricade of emotions, your snapped tone of annoyance, and sharp-tongued sarcasm, that you do not feel the same quite anymore. it's always so obvious, and how you can possibly believe, in that dark-haired head of yours, that i don't notice.
i am writing this, weakly, and my stomach is in knots. i can't speak this to your face, so i cautiously, nervously, write it on this site for the other people to see, and maybe, pity me. or pity you?
cowardly, i am.
i will keep trying, to make that smile return. i will push for you to call me pretty, for you to hold my hand, for you to love me. i am, again, a shaking, nervous wreck that cannot stand up.
my tongue is tied in knots, as well.
from the start, i believed that for once, you really did love me more.
that i was in control.
but i was wrong, again, you tricked me into loving you more than i thought i did.
oh, the precious days of band camp, where you couldn't get enough of me.
i don't even understand, what's really going on. away from school you're not so bad, not so judging and quick to bite at me, together in person outside of school you're pretty normal, even mad for me
but at school?
i can't stand it anymore, i don't know what to do. i'm up in arms, fleeing what i feel is crashing. our relationship, is on fire. and i am watching, smiling, laughing, holding the match.
look what insanity you are driving me to, the watching eyes of the public must think i'm mad; a drooling, spitting, head-banging-against-the-walls-in-a-straight-jacket type of mad
and i am mad
mad for you?
mad for love?
why can't i please you anymore