Faith Gap

MacAvity's picture

There are so many things on my mind right now. Some of them will probably stay on my mind for a while, so I will leave them out and come back to them later, when I don't have much else to say.

I just got an email claiming to be from my dad's ex-girlfriend, who really needs a codename but for whom it is very difficult to come up with one, because she's so very special. Anyway, I was momentarily thrilled, because I haven't heard from her since she bore her son in July, but the email contained nothing but a link to the website of a Canadian pharmacy that used to spam me all the time. So, major disappointment, and also angering. How dare the spammers send me spam under the guise of one of the people I love most of all?

The day wasn't all that great before that, either. Well, okay, it was mostly pretty good, Chris and I got on just fine before school and Latin class was entertaining as always, but the lunch period contained a bit of unpleasantness.

Sunny, the girl I sort of like, a little bit? Turns out she's one of the leaders of the Christian Club.

Which isn't such a problem with the whole me-being-gay thing - she's not one of those homophobic extremist Christians or anything, nobody 'round here is - it's more of a problem with the whole me-being-an-atheist thing. Sunny invited me to sit in on a Christian Club meeting, since I wasn't doing anything else, and, she being Sunny, I accepted, and by the end I felt a bit like atheist heathen scum. Not like they Christians wouldn't accept me or anything, more like the differences in our beliefs, their faith and my lack thereof, created a rift between us - like they had something really worth having, that I could never know.

So I was, naturally, highly uncomfortable. We watched a video in which some guy talked enthusiastically about faith, and what he said made me feel like an intruder, like one of those people at whose funeral he would be extremely sad because he would know there was no hope for my soul. I also felt guilty, because I knew that I should be focusing singlemindedly on what he was saying, while really there was a significant part of my mind that was dwelling on the comparatively extremely mundane and insignificant fact that out of all the places she could have chosen, Sunny had decided to sit next to me.

At the end of the meeting, the other leader approached me and introduced herself and asked some questions. I told her how it had all made me feel, even using the words 'atheist heathen scum,' and she did her best to assure me that I wasn't scum, and that she had been an atheist (or at least an agnostic, I don't remember) herself a few years ago, so there was hope. That didn't really help, as I'm not exactly hoping to see the light and find the lord, I'm more just wanting people to accept me as an atheist, and also wanting myself to be a bit more okay with not having any sort of faith. Easiest solution to that: Avoid Christian Club in future. Anyway, I think this girl probably told Sunny what I had said, while I was leaving, and I don't know what the results of that will be.

I've noticed this before, but I do seem to be particularly attracted to people of faith - which is inconvenient, because, as I've said, it creates an unbridgeable gap between me and them. Nicole was Catholic, and even though she didn't make a big deal about it, I could tell just from looking at her face sometimes that she had some sort of meaningful spiritual connection with her God. So, this is probably going to be some sort of tragic lifelong trend for me: fall for the religious ones, be incapable of spiritual intimacy because of the faith gap. Moan.


lonewolf678's picture

i think...

that you shouldn't focus too much on the religious or spiritual beliefs but more on the person. afterall religion isn't all there is in a person, besides the differences can always be overcome somehow. you shouldn't feel bad for being an athiest, you're fine just the way you are.
i hope that might help. :)

funnyflyby's picture

i think

Being atheist isn't anything bad, just kind of a belief in no beliefs, for lack of a better way of putting it. As long as you don't specifically outright hate somebody's religion, it shouldn't effect anything. That'd be my opinion.
You're good about commenting on my journals, so I thought I'd return the favor.