Friday, events and thoughts

MacAvity's picture

So Leigh and I had lunch together today... It was pretty good... I skipped the Gay-Straight Alliance meeting for it, proving that I do have things more important than being gay (although the amount of time I spend on this site would seem to argue otherwise)... We played chess... everything seemed fine... The one thing that worries me is that the conversation came to an almost abrupt halt when the third person present left the two of us alone. That's not really a good sign. But I have reasonable hope that it will get better.

Some girl (who may or may not earn a codename before long), the friend-of-a-friend once-or-twice removed, has been putting pretty strong advances on me - I can only assume they are friendly in nature, and that she does this to everybody. Yesterday she slipped a note into my backpack while I wasn't paying attention:

Dear [MacAvity],
I think you're really cool. Let's be friends. We should go get coffee sometime or something! I meant this in a tottaly non-creepy way...So, sorry if you found it creepy!
[a heart symbol, her first name,
her phone number]

Weird, eh? But, naturally, I'm curious and tempted. She's quite a character, as evidenced by the above note and its means of delivery. So I saw her again today and responded in the affirmative to the offer of 'coffee sometime or something.' I don't know whether it will actually happen.

On a totally different subject, I haven't seen Sunny in quite some time. I don't know where she hangs out or anything, otherwise I would have found some time (like when Leigh is absorbed in his near-constant card games) to drop in and spend a bit of time with her, since last time that happened it was so pleasant and she seemed so willing to do it again.

Um... What else? I got paternal permission to cut my hair - albeit reluctant permission. My dad has some sort of problem with me looking like a boy, I don't know why. He thinks that I'm a pretty girl and should look like one. He also thinks I should have my teeth professionally whitened now that my braces are off. I don't have any interest whatsoever in doing that - my teeth don't look bad, and I see no reason to make them look better, especially if that involves anything beyond a change of toothpaste. He tried to get me to agree to seriously consider the teeth-whitening in exchange for permission to buzz-cut my hair. He also tried to persuade me to go to a 'stylist' and get a 'girl's short haircut' - whatever that is - instead of a 'military cut.' Both attempts failed, as far as I can tell.

I don't know why he wants me to look like a pretty girl. Is he afraid I won't be able to attract boys, otherwise? News flash, Dad: I don't care about attracting boys. If you'd just state it outright, 'I'm afraid boys won't want to date you if you look like one of them,' I'd tell you as much. Tonight I had to tell him, 'I'm still your daughter, regardless of how I look.' I don't know where I'm going with this.

I don't know whether my dad worries because he suspects that I am gay, or because he doesn't have any idea that I am gay and fears that I am going to repel all potential male suitors, or what. I don't know whether I'd find out how he felt if I told him - he has a way of saying things in a noncommittal voice that I usually interpret as meaning that he doesn't like whatever it is to which he's responding but doesn't want to say anything disapproving about it, and I imagine that this is how he will react when he finds out about me - assuming, of course, that this whole me-being-gay thing isn't just a phase, which I haven't ruled out as a possibility, as I have gone through many phases before, and if it is a phase I may not even tell him before it's over.

The considering the possibility that it might be a phase - that's not a denial mechanism. I'm not denying that I'm gay. I call myself gay. I'm comfortable calling myself gay, especially around people I don't know all that well. I'm comfortable being interested in girls. I'm not in denial - but there's a possibility, in my estimation, that I might be in something like the opposite of denial: accepting an idea that might not actually be true. It's a pretty small possibility, but it's there. I have gone through phases before, after all. So... just a thought.

End miscellany. Aliquid altum.