I am pretty wired buzzed off the wall insaneeeeee right now it feels. I dont know hwat this is. not even excitement but its like ive surpassed pain and disappointment and hit so low that i'm high. yeah. youre prolly thinking wtf right now.
my goal for group was to journal more, so here i am, journaling for you all to read.because i hate journaling in a real, written journal because it makes me so scared,mad,sad that nobody'll read it. so its more comforting for me to journal on oasis.
today was a flingandflang day and i know that means ZIIPPO.nada.nothing.zeroooooooooooo. but i dont know what it is like in my head right now.
im totally not sofia. whih is pretty awesome, i must say. i wanna drink and smoke and have a rave. which is pretty unsofia of me. so its krazzzzzy (yes, with a k).
i slept in because of an awful pain headache i had this morning and because the feeling of wanting to die was very overwhelming to me.
right now i feel cynical, yes, cynical because i feel like im talking about all this deep dark shit and im smiling and jumpy and all this crazy shittttttttttt is about to go downnnnnnnnnnnnn.
i went to group and basically spilled my guts about my one friend who i feel im responsible for--shes in like long term hospitalization because shes been so bad and unstable. anyway she and i talk online quite a bit. and last night she just happened to be having strong urges. so i discarded the idea of me dealing with my own problems and i tried to solve hers. yes i know i shouldnt have done that. and yes i know its prolly not what im SUPPIOSED to do. but i just did it anyway.
so i was feeling pretty down and i talked to the group about her, which i hadnt openly done before.
and somehow forgot to mention how this morning especially, my ocd has gotten so much worse. esp the whole thing with men.
so it was effective, but then R was like, okay, next person to talk about their night? and i felt dejected and rejected like a tape player. or how a VCR may feel in the 21st century. and i want to tell her so much more but couldnt.
after group i was still feeling pretty sucky. and now guilty because of all ive done. i feel guilty for enjoying myself.
hmm....still havent told anyone this, but in a rage against my anxiety and ocd crap, i cut up this one...uh...toy-ish-thing that i used to masturbate with. but i havent been able to throw it away anywhere. because in efforts to make it discreet, i covered it in tissues and then taped it together in a sphere (circle) shape. so im afraid to throw it out in the house--cant have my parents find it. but i dont wanna throw it out in a public trash can and then have people inspect it thinking its a bomb because its round. so its been spending time in my knapsack.
i need to get rid of it. ive only masturbated once since discarding that old toy of mine, which was now about a monthish ago. masturbating makes me feel like shit. and i know i should probably talk to R or A or some therapy-related person about it but im scared. i dont talk about masturbation ouut loud. im just not that kind of person. and i dont wanna get that rep for BEING that type of person.
so then i came home and then left to learn how to act at this beginners class...longggggg story.
now i feel so much less grounded. im floaty and in the air. and feeling so buzzed i dont know what its from. its like im headless because my thoughts are so fleety. not tosay im enjoying myself, because to me, thats like a cut in the wrist.
which brings me to my next point. i think i found something out about myself. i cant find where it was, but i think theres a specific type of ocd i have...the one about picking at nails and skin. fuck. well, i have scars on my arm and stomach from it. and three fingers are pretty well-beaten near the nails. yucky.
skin disgusts me.
oh and theres this thing that i cant eat foods with different textures at the same time. yes, i know...s.trange. but i also get really disgusted by certain textures. like tofu. like cheese.like eggplant. oatmeal.
im so fuckeeeddddddddddddddddddddddddd.
anyway, please let me know someones reading this
and im sorry for being so hay-wired. or whatever the term is during my writing this.
i promiise not to be like this for my next journal entry.