Oh no no no i have come down with a terrible cold and have felt crap all day. Also to add to that i have been super anxious all weekend too. So what begin was with my art project in which it is for my portfolio of work and i choose to do fashion photography. I have to have everything finished by the end of this term and thought for my final shoot i could do party wear with the location of a house party at christmas time with all the decorations around the home. So my friend persuaded me to have a christmas party that involved the photography and a party in general. Since our friendship group is small and tight hopefully the party would be an excuse to socialise more and get to know more people in our year.
And that is how we get on to the person i shall refer to as T. Now T is somebody that i have fancied for about like 1 and bit years and i have tried to stop him from my mind but i cant. I cant be bothered to go into much detail about him at the moment but all i can say is that he has a girlfriend, we hardly ever talk and i think he is mostly straight. Brilliant. So my friend said that if i invite him that maybe we could bond more and you know become closer. i have invited other people that are big friends of his and also mine so he has people around him not all strangers to him.
So on friday afternoon i plucked up the courage to send an online invitation to about 22 friends about the party and stuff. For me this is completely strange as i am normally the quiet but approachable guy around school and don't go to all the parties. I didn't go on facebook to late that night and found that some people had accepted. Then i looked at the maybe section and T was there. My heart dropped, Now i know it is not a no and he replied right away but still doesn't "Maybe" sound like he does not wanna come but doesn't actually want to say it to me and be mean. i know i don't really know him but i really hate awkward situations and i am rubbish at starting conversation with someone that is not at least in my classes at all. Sure he has said hi to me like a couple of times and said a question to me once ( all of these i got extremely excited and dreamy over i know so sad) but all i wanna do is at least be friends with him.
The thing i hate about being a gay teenager at this stage is that i get so lonely. While everybody else is lovey dovey with everybody i am left in the corner and waiting for at least someone to accept me for who i am. Its selfish i know to say but my close friends say that i should wait for someone to really love me but everything just seems so cold now and as much as i put a good show on at school, to my parents and my friends, inside i am getting more depressed every day. Im young and still have a lot to learn but i guess i am just greedy but i cant stop what is honest inside me.