I need to see my thoughts

swimmerguy's picture

Okay, I haven't posted a journal in a few days, and I really need to see my thoughts written down somewhere.
You probably don't want to read it, as it is just me talking about people you will most likely never even meet.

A few days ago, I was talking to D and Joe, and I realized some things.
On the swim team, Blake is leaving in January to go to the navy. JJ, Colton, and D are leaving after this school year as they're all seniors and going to college. Shelby, Robert, Ricky and Leah have all quit. And tomorrow, Alex is applying for a job at the big Boeing factory nearby, and if he gets the job there, he's going to have to quit swim team for a while. That will mean he can't give Joe a ride anymore, and Joe will have to go back to his old club.

And who will that leave if Alex gets the job? Who, in a year, will be left?
Well, me. And Uber Christian whom I got to join. And a new guy I hope to get to join after school swimming. Then Chris, the 13 year old who is quite talented, but still young and inexperienced, as well as quiet.
Which will leave me in a few months as the oldest, fastest, and longest running on our team person left. I'm going to be team leader, without anyone else to even help me...
Uber Christian is too slow, he hasn't been swiming long enough.
Chris is good, but he's young and quiet.
And new guy Devan hasn't joined yet, and will also be too slow and doesn't seem to have a passion for the sport too much...

I feel so tired all the time, when I think of how in however many months, everyone is going to be gone. All of them I've known for years, some just for months, all of them who are my friends and have brought me up and led me and taught me to swim.
I think I'm going to be crushed if everyone leaves... Especially Alex, one of my best friends.
And D, the one who I think I love, in a platonic way, and who I have known since the stars were born.
Blake, who is the last one left who taught me how to swim, out of my 4 teachers, and who has been a great friend and mentor for years.

And finally, Joe, who I suspect 99% is gay, or at least bi, is my age, and is hot and an amazing person, and maybe my best friend on the team.
And he might leave in a week or two and I'll never see him again.

Just the thought is enough to wear me out.


Uncertain's picture

Yes it's a bit disheartening...

But the thing I realised once in a similar position is that now you have to be the 'D' and the 'Blake', because you know there will be younger people who are like the younger you that needs the same guidance that you once needed.