I'm much calmer now

centerfielder08's picture

I'm writing an entry while I'm much calmer so maybe it will sound more sane when you read it.

Though I do feel a buzz inside my body. But maybe that's just me.

I really have been triggered quite a lot lately.
Another nightmare last night.

Talked to R for almost half an hour on the phone today as I sobbed. I miss M so much. I love her and I can't stand this forced distance between us.

I've had such strong urges and I think they've been increased under my new med, so I'm seeing the doctor tomorrow and I will tell her about that. About how much worse its gotten for me. How much more suffering I feel I've done, how its more painful.

I'm having the same OCD thoughts as I had back two years ago. Ughhhh we're back to THOSE.yes.we are.

I'm sort of afraid I may hurt myself tonight but right now I'm distracting myself enough so I am fine.

:x.
FML.

I will write more later or tomorrow. I have quite a bit more to say but don't feel like saying any of it due to my current state of being is rather low. And I dont much care for myself.

Comments

loreonpravus's picture

Well, the calm part is good

Well, the calm part is good to hear.

Feel better soon. Torrential emotions are hell to get through.

centerfielder08's picture

OHMYGAWED...I saw the doc

OHMYGAWED...I saw the doc and A today. And I came out to her...well, told her I'm questioning my gender. blarblarblarblarblar.
blarg.
And I told R about the paranoia or some such thing.