It's kind of like dementors...

MacAvity's picture

It's kind of like dementors were just passing through. Like they didn't stick around long enough to engender fear and absolute misery, just long enough to suck all the happiness from me and leave me vaguely blue. I haven't been blue like this for a while. For a while I've just been kind of 'meh,' or worried, or confused, or pensive, or even, sometimes, a little bit happy. Not now, though.

I spent the day with Regi and her friends Smokey and Shawna (not their real names), whom I don't know all that well. And I don't know exactly how I felt about the time we spent together today, but I am sure it is responsible for my current blue mood.

One thing I noticed: Almost for the first time - maybe not even almost, in fact - I actually felt like a lesbian. Not, like I usually do, too genderless and asexual to count as a lesbian. Today, hanging out with these three girls and discussing crushes, as girls do, I felt like a girl and like a homosexual. Now I'm back to being androgynous and asexual, but with those three it was different. I don't know why.

Late in our afternoon, as we huddled among the stacks of a used-book store, we engaged in a casual bit of soul-spilling. Smokey was reluctant to say much except that she was confused, and torn between getting over someone and not really wanting to. Regi had an immediate and pressing confusion, not knowing whether she liked someone who almost certainly likes her, and wondering what to do about it. I expressed my fear that I might be getting over Nicole - I don't want to get over her, I certainly don't want to forget her, but I've been thinking about her less and less of late, and having less powerful reactions to anything that might remind me of her. Shawna - aye, here's the rub - Shawna managed to say nothing about her present personal female dilemmas, by sidetracking us all with a revelation of her intuitive psychic abilities. According to her, she can sense what people are hiding, she can know everything about a person just by looking at him or dreaming about him. According to her, her sense is always right - if anything disagrees with the thoughts of the person in question, he just hasn't recognised the truth yet. I don't believe her, not entirely - I think she probably does have a good sense of people, but I also think she can persuade people into changing how they think they feel to match how she thinks they feel.

Anyway, we other three were all too eager to hear what she knew about us, but she refused to tell us, claiming it would seem 'too much of an invasion.' Excuses, excuses. She did reveal that she knew about me and Grey and Solace, partly from her supposed powers and partly from conversing with Grey's sister (which sister, by the way, I had presumed ignorant - so, new information for me). She diagnosed Smokey as 'definitely confused,' Regi as 'less confused,' and me as 'extremely confused.' Ha! Take this, Shawna: I'm not confused at all! 'Course, I didn't say so. Or maybe I did and she told me I just didn't know how confused I was. I don't remember.

So I don't know what it was about all that that left me so mopish and tired, but when I got home I curled up on my bed and just sort of lay there for quite a while, not doing anything but resting. And I just felt blue.