...As I was leaving from dinner this evening I caught sight of someone I was not expecting to see, and whose appearance has left a vague paranoia upon my mind. I do not know whether he and I have ever exchanged words, or whether he even properly knows who I am, but I know who he is well enough, and we have rather significant mutual acquaintances. He used to date Grey, the girl of my dreams.
That was four years ago, about. Before I knew either of them. I don't know if he was her first boyfriend, or she his first girl. I know only that they dated for a month, when she was a freshman and he a sophomore, that he ended it, that she was very distraught over the breakup for a long time, and that they have remained friends. He broke up with her. To me, that is simply inconceivable. I can't imagine anybody breaking up with her. Especially if it made her suffer. I can't imagine anybody letting her suffer.
Anyway, the more important point is that they're still friends. And that he caught me giving him the scared/evil eye as I left the restaurant. And that, even though I didn't stop moving, we kept staring at each other until I was out of sight. So, he knew something. Maybe he recognised me, maybe he knew I looked familiar and was trying to remember why, maybe he just caught me glaring at him. If he did recognise me, I wonder what he knows about me. I mean, there's reason for me to know about him - I pretty much stalked everybody Nicole knew, back when I was still struggling to come to terms with my feelings for her. But there shouldn't be much reason for him to know about me, unless she's told him something.
So, if she has told him something, and he knows who I am and maybe even why I'm staring at him in this restaurant, will he report back to her? What would he say? 'Oh, by the way, I saw that one kid, MacAvity, at that Mexican place, she - he? - whatever that kid is - was staring at me funny...' ? I don't know. Chances are, he doesn't know more than that he's seen me before, and the incident will never be heard by the rare and radiant maiden. But I do worry.
In my mind, she has spies everywhere. Not that her spies are in my mind, I mean, only that outside of my mind they may not be spies... What I mean is that I feel like she'll deliberately casually ask the people remaining at the school - her friends, her sister, et cetera - 'Hey, have you seen MacAvity recently? How is she doing?' and they will tell her, casually, that they haven't noticed too much, but I seem to be doing okay, more or less, or that I have suddenly taken to dressing just like Solace. And she'll get an idea of how I'm doing. And that idea will be better than I want it to be - call it petty of me, but I want her to see that I've been suffering.
And there is one guy at school - Sanji, is his nickname - whose motives I do not understand. He's too nice to me. I can't see why. Sure, he's a friendly guy, but that doesn't seem quite adequate as an explanation. He's friendly to most other people, too, but...this friendly? He takes any opportunity to say hi, to vow that someday he will beat me in one of the various Latin competitions, to ask questions like to what colleges I might be applying. One possible explanation is just that he's a nice guy who sees me as a fellow nerd, a scholar, and generally a person to whom it is worth being friendly. But the paranoid side of my mind says that he's spying for Her. They know each other pretty well, after all. They used to ride to school together every day, and Sanji still carpools with Grey's family. The theory says that he's consciously watching me for her, saying hi to gauge my mood, asking questions to gather information. The theory is, I admit, a bit ridiculous. But that's how my mind works.
Sometimes I just want to answer one of his forcedly casual questions with 'You're spying for her, aren't you?' But he probably isn't, and I would have to either explain myself or wave it off with a 'Never mind.' Then again, if I don't, it's going to keep bugging me. So maybe I should just say it, even if it does have awkward repercussions. What think you lot?