So this I promised

centerfielder08's picture

I promised I would journal this evening, so here, Oasis, is my promise for a journal.

I can't say much about what it will be about because as I think we all know by now, even when I write what I'll discuss, I go off-topic anyway, so let me just write off that idea as of now.

Its been an up and down day. Had treatment today and during check-in, which is in front of the rest of the group, I said "Without going into details, I've had a lot of trouble about this whole Eli situation. I don't know how to fix it"...the group leader, A, knew what I meant, but luckily nobody else knew--prolly just thought I was in a fight with someone, not that I'm Eli.

Anyway, I think I forgot this...last week, I told A all about Eli in short. She wrote a note to herself today about what I mentioned and she said "Yeah, Sofia, you and I can finish talking about this when you and I speak." Which is good. Because I really mesh with the other people in group and I'm not about to mess it up with this bomb-dropping thought of me not being the me I've introduced to them.

Anyway, I'm so nervous for that but it will be nice because I'm glad to talk about it. And so that will be nice. This morning I spent on Youtube, watching other ftms talking about transitioning--everything from binders and packers to pre/post-op updates. I'm genderqueer myself and want to know who I am. In a way, I wish I could just like take some sort of quiz online and learn who I am. It'd sure be a lot less uncertain and hesitating as I am now.

Unfortunately, the combo of my meds now--one recently added and a different one upped--is really not working. I've gotten into such a horrible depression. Food is so awful to me. I don't much care for its taste and its just a bore to do so sometimes I don't eat because it feels like a chore and such a time sucker. Why not use my time doing sommething else? Not that this means I use my time efficiently, but whatever. Put that aside.

My urges to hurt myself and or end my life are pretty high. Not at this exact second, but a bit earlier today. I've also been pretty paranoid about things. And I feel rather crazy. I think just the way thoughts come to my mind is nonsense.

It is amazing to me that right now I'm writing a rather regular journal post. This makes me happy and annoyed...mixed feelings. I think I get really good at masking my emotions. I've gotten so good at faking life though now all I'm doing is merely existing and not living. I think I got a similar term from a Postsecret entry recently.

Hmm...lets see...what else did I want to update everyone about? Sorry to end that sentence with a preposition.

So whatever's been going on in my head is really painful.

OH...THAT"s WHAT I wanted to say. Just remembered. I wanted to admit to someone, anyone about part of what happened at school: I was using a bathroom I had to share with 26 or 27 other girls. So to go to the bathroom, use the sinks, or the showers, there were others around me. This really offset my OCD to say the least. And so I couldn't do it.

I have to admit, though its gross, I couldn't for the life of me, shower. It was a little under a week I think before I allowed myself to shower. Since many of my compulsions have to do with handwashing and counting in bathroom-related experiences, this really set me off. So I couldn't really shower. I barely showered there and I was there 14 days. So I know thats really gross but I couldn't help it. I sort of talked about that with my psychiatrist near school but not in full. I think its time I admit to that, to doing that on purpose.

I couldnt shower because of my OCD. My anxiety of a public bathroom was so high that I couldnt do it. I wouldnt wash my hands but I also couldnt shower. Sure, I felt gross, but it felt worse having to shower in front of others.

I think even if I am eventually allowed back on campus, I must request a private bathroom. Maybe I'd be better that way.

Well, let me know someone's on the other end of this computer screen and that I'm not blabbering on for nothing.

Ahhhh the thoughts have come back and depression is surely setting in for me. Please PM me. Or just comment here.


625539's picture

"I've gotten so good at

"I've gotten so good at faking life though now all I'm doing is merely existing and not living."

I've gotten so good at faking life that the performance is better than reality and I fucking love it. At the end of the day, though, I take off my make up and go to bed and I'm one sad motherfucker.

nothing is permitted. everything is allowed.

MacAvity's picture

About the taking 'some sort

About the taking 'some sort of quiz online' - Have you tried the Bem Androgyny Test? Lots of people say it's hopelessly outdated, but I found it worked reasonably well on me...