The Dedicated Boy or the Intense Boy?

Uncertain's picture

Let's have a vote, cause I really don't know. It's probably the dilemma that everyone has to face eventually in their lives. There's that one 'perfect' person who you're supposed to like - but there's just no spark. Then circling around you is the boy (or girl) that you're always going to have something for, distancing away and gravitating towards you when you least expect it. And you have to make a choice.

So there's this one boy that really likes me. T. He's the one I went on a date with on Monday. He's cute (looks like Jesse Eisenberg from Zombieland), he's smart (five national scholarships... like me!), he's so into me... so genuine about everything - no stupid games (he speaks his mind, and none of this playing-hard-to-get thing). I'm supposed to like him right? But I'm just not feeling it. Damnit. You know how you picture the perfect person right, and he ticks so many boxes, especially the fact that he's so committed which you never see anymore these days... but when they come along you realise compatibility and getting to know someone isn't about fact-finding and box-ticking... it really is just chemistry.

He said I tick all his boxes. Like, who tells people that? It's adorable. But people don't (and shouldn't) speak their mind like that when we barely know each other. It makes you vulnerable. But he does it. I went to my friend's birthday and clubbing last night, so I met up with him in town. I stayed over at his place (nothing much happened it's okay), but it felt nice and weird. Like we didn't do much because I didn't want to either... but no it's not because I like him a lot - it's just because he's so vulnerable and I don't want to hurt him (I'm going to Wellington tomorrow and I can get with people out of town over the weekend... but I don't know if i will... same with my birthday next week). Fuck, this is where the other guy K comes in as well - K wanted to 'hang out' (probably fuck) this week - and last week I said yes but I never followed up on that because of T. Man that's fucked up. Man I'm fucked up. There's not even a spark with T.

Hanging out with T reminds me of what it was like in a relationship - do I really want that? We slept next to each other in a single bed, and I woke up with him snuggling and hugging me. And we're not even going out! We didn't even have sex! Like, WHAT IS THIS? Can someone please explain!? He even walked me to my bus stop, showed me his favourite vegan shop, grabbed my arm, pulled me into Lacoste and thrift stores, and looked real sad when I didn't kiss him goodbye. But when we went to straight clubs together and I kept bumping into people - he felt a bit like deadweight - I like going solo, I like being single, I like knowing people. He was also like 'I like how you don't compromise your masculinity'. I don't know if it's masculinity or just me being me. Meanwhile... he's very much like a 'girl'... (man this is so jumpy, my mind is going everywhere)

And then there's K. I don't even like him. It'd be more a lust thing. K is so much like me. He's so laid back and so free. T knows K too.

T asked me 'does K have moral fibre?'

I said 'I don't know what you mean, he just likes to have fun - it doesn't make him any less of a good person.'

But really, I was talking about myself.


elph's picture

Do You Really Want To Know?

There will likely be other comments that disagree with mine... as there is no perfect advice that could be provided by any of us without being more intimately familiar with the circumstances and personalities of the players.

But, strictly expressing my personal reaction: T sounds idyllic!

He sounds sincere... and level-headed. I think this also describes you... especially in moments of sobriety :)

The fact that you were both quite comfortable being intertwined in bed without the urge to risk overt sex goes a long way to foretell what could lie ahead...

Such a perfect merging of personalities is a gift! The error would be to proceed too rapidly...

stillgotlegs's picture

You're right, there are

You're right, there are comments which disagree. But hey, I'll do it in a nice way <3

Just because someone seems to be just like you isn't always a great thing. I'd hate to be friends with me, or even know me. I certainly don't get on with people like me.

I just think the whole thing about having a relationship is someone to balance you. You both bring different things to the table so you both can be better, more rounded.

I used to wonder what my dad ever liked about my mum. He got a combined Maths and Physics degree from Cambridge (1st), is in MENSA and is currently working as the cheif electronics engineer at this major place (don't really pretend to know much about it). He married my mum... who thinks that if she deletes the icon for Firefox she has literally LOST THE INTERNET FOREVER and will have to get a new computer to - and I quote - "make sure I don't crash the interweb again because otherwise people in China will get mad at me".
>.< for the love of god, NO!

But yeah, my point is that they work. They're in their 27th year and going strong. She's all crazy and emotional, and he's all genius and (fairly) cold.

I couldn't imagine dating a replica of yourself, and in the end, however much someone looks good on paper, they're not always the best match.

Wow, this turned out looong.

ferrets's picture


i may or may not be able to stand being around myself. i would think i was a know it all. but i would like to play empire with me. or chess. or risk. but id probley end up either strangling dark matter me, or...well nvm, thats for my mind to know.

"A loving man and woman in a committed relationship can marry. Dogs, no matter what their relationship, are not allowed to marry. How should society treat gays and lesbians in committed relationships? As dogs or as humans?"

kiko's picture

i agree with elph, go for T

i agree with elph, go for T but be steady

Dracofangxxx's picture

I saaaaay neither

Wait for someone you're into and also is into you 100% of the time, not an in-out type of person.

Otherwise you're just gonna get hurt with both choices, here. Sorry :c
You are beautiful, in every single way <3

MacAvity's picture