Let's have a vote, cause I really don't know. It's probably the dilemma that everyone has to face eventually in their lives. There's that one 'perfect' person who you're supposed to like - but there's just no spark. Then circling around you is the boy (or girl) that you're always going to have something for, distancing away and gravitating towards you when you least expect it. And you have to make a choice.
So there's this one boy that really likes me. T. He's the one I went on a date with on Monday. He's cute (looks like Jesse Eisenberg from Zombieland), he's smart (five national scholarships... like me!), he's so into me... so genuine about everything - no stupid games (he speaks his mind, and none of this playing-hard-to-get thing). I'm supposed to like him right? But I'm just not feeling it. Damnit. You know how you picture the perfect person right, and he ticks so many boxes, especially the fact that he's so committed which you never see anymore these days... but when they come along you realise compatibility and getting to know someone isn't about fact-finding and box-ticking... it really is just chemistry.
He said I tick all his boxes. Like, who tells people that? It's adorable. But people don't (and shouldn't) speak their mind like that when we barely know each other. It makes you vulnerable. But he does it. I went to my friend's birthday and clubbing last night, so I met up with him in town. I stayed over at his place (nothing much happened it's okay), but it felt nice and weird. Like we didn't do much because I didn't want to either... but no it's not because I like him a lot - it's just because he's so vulnerable and I don't want to hurt him (I'm going to Wellington tomorrow and I can get with people out of town over the weekend... but I don't know if i will... same with my birthday next week). Fuck, this is where the other guy K comes in as well - K wanted to 'hang out' (probably fuck) this week - and last week I said yes but I never followed up on that because of T. Man that's fucked up. Man I'm fucked up. There's not even a spark with T.
Hanging out with T reminds me of what it was like in a relationship - do I really want that? We slept next to each other in a single bed, and I woke up with him snuggling and hugging me. And we're not even going out! We didn't even have sex! Like, WHAT IS THIS? Can someone please explain!? He even walked me to my bus stop, showed me his favourite vegan shop, grabbed my arm, pulled me into Lacoste and thrift stores, and looked real sad when I didn't kiss him goodbye. But when we went to straight clubs together and I kept bumping into people - he felt a bit like deadweight - I like going solo, I like being single, I like knowing people. He was also like 'I like how you don't compromise your masculinity'. I don't know if it's masculinity or just me being me. Meanwhile... he's very much like a 'girl'... (man this is so jumpy, my mind is going everywhere)
And then there's K. I don't even like him. It'd be more a lust thing. K is so much like me. He's so laid back and so free. T knows K too.
T asked me 'does K have moral fibre?'
I said 'I don't know what you mean, he just likes to have fun - it doesn't make him any less of a good person.'
But really, I was talking about myself.