Vampires Cannot Eat Asiago Cheese

MacAvity's picture

One incident too many, apparently. My cousin-once-removed, whom no one in my immediate family had seen in ten years, mistook me for a boy at Thanksgiving, to be corrected by my father. Today, word of the incident got to my mother. It a shopping trip. Curses.

She brought it up in the car, on the way to theatre rehearsal. Her reasoning went something like this: You have to think about other people's feelings. When they think you're a boy, and then learn you're not, they get uncomfortable. And it's not fair to them, in fact, it's almost sociopathic, if you enjoy making them uncomfortable. So, for their sakes, you need to look like a girl. We're going shopping after rehearsal. Unless you can talk me out of it.

My argument was, I'll admit, incredibly weak: I... I don't know why, but I'd rather... just, like... maybe... not correct them at all or something. Just let them keep their first impressions. Because.... somehow... having people think that, it gives...validation? ... to the male side of me. So, if it's uncomfortable for them to be corrected, I'd rather just not correct them.

We're going shopping.

At rehearsal itself, I consulted a castmate, codename Jude, who is an active member (to the extent that anything involving that club can be called active) of the Gay-Straight Alliance. I don't know what manner of help I expected from him, especially as I was unable to frame a satisfactory question to ask, but he might not have been too much help in any case because he was high on marijuana. So he kept saying stuff about how he was eager to be a listening ear, and how he could perhaps try to help turn the next Gay-Straight Alliance meeting toward talking about... something... as opposed to whatever it does most times.... and how he had vaguely unresolved queeritude of his own, and suchlike matters somewhat related to the subject at hand, but also lots of other stuff about how high he was, and how little of a help he would probably be because of it, and how everything seemed kind of like a dream to him at the time, and something mysterious about how he'd always been a bit shy of talking to me, out of 'respect' or somesuch... I don't know. What I gathered was, we could talk sometime, when he was sober, but not soon enough to forestall a shopping trip.

So the shopping happened. Oh yes. My mother insisted upon looking only in the women's (or the 'juniors'' - whatever that is - or even the 'girls'') section of the department store. And, naturally, everything was horrible. Or at least very much not my sort of thing. We ended up buying (despite my rather weak protestation) a green shirt and a sort of dark-grey-purple coat. They're not so bad. I'd even like them if they didn't promise to serve exactly their intended purpose: marking me out as a member of the female population.

On the way home, my mother and I discussed the matter again. Neither convinced the other of anything. And I really don't know quite where any of this will go from here. I don't know much of what's going on, really. I hope Jude and I find a time to sit down and talk and mash out some sort of plan or at least some sort of solid idea...

Postscript: I couldn't think of a relevant title, so I used one that sounds like it comes from Super Duck's random title generator, but in fact does not - it comes from the fact that my mother is a vampire and cannot eat asiago cheese. Which, yes, has no relevance to anything.


loreonpravus's picture

I saw your title and

I saw your title and immediately wondered if you'd been using the title generator. Guess not.

Whenever I go shopping with my mother, I feel pressured to purchase items of female clothing. Because of this, I used to think I hated shopping, but then I went with my friends, shopped completely in the men's department, and found that it was just shopping for girly clothes that I hated.

If I'm wearing a tighter bra and looser clothing- especially now that it's winter, I'm putting on lots of thick layers- I pretty much get mistaken for a guy (albeit a short one) 90% of the time, what with my swagger and the haircut and all. When people mistook me for a dude, it used to irk me, but I realized that I wouldn't expect to recognize myself as a female so I don't bother correcting them and leave them to puzzle over it.

I used to think if I lost weight I'd be more confident in girls' clothing, but then I did and it still felt uncomfortable, so I've pretty much given up on that. The only times I'll buy things that are women's department are when I need running shoes and the occasional plain white dress shirt (I never seem to have enough of those, it seems). Oh, and under-garments, I suppose.

funnyflyby's picture


I enjoy making people uncomfortable in ways like that. How do you know your mother is a vampire? I tell people I'm a vampire sometimes, that I'm actually 461, and that my real birthday is 17 May, just to see reactions. Oh, wonderful. I did it again. I always write dates the European way. Why is this? Why must I randomly ramble?

ReinbowGrl's picture

I don't follow your journals

I don't follow your journals too closely...but I didn't know that you were a girl. Idk if that's good or bad to you. :)

- - - - - - - -
I don't need company in the company of you. I don't need love, your love will do. And I've got you and you've got me and this is all you need. I don't need air, I don't need to breathe. I don't need rest, I don't have time to sleep.

funnyflyby's picture


I do follow your journals, and I didn't realize you were at least female-bodied until the 3rd or 4th one I read. I didn't realize you were a guy, either, so I'm not really sure what I thought. I don't really care, either. I think you're just MacAvity, whether male or female. Personally.

MacAvity's picture

Well, thanks, you lot!

- I never 'correct' them (quotation marks because they're not entirely wrong...) myself, but I'm often with somebody - generally a parent - who feels compelled to.

- My mother is a vampire because: Garlic gives her horrible migraines (as does asiago cheese, apparently), as well as lesser reasons: she's left-handed (those evil lefties!), born in/favorite month October, has a penchant for wearing black cloaks, et cetera et cetera et cetera. Mostly the garlic thing.

- I'm pleased but not surprised that you didn't know what sex I was from reading my journals... Actually, on the Text Analysis thing somewhere now buried in the Forum, my journal scored more male than just about anybody else's, which I thought was funny. Older, too. It said I was over 66 years old, and 73 percent female - everyone else was eighty to ninety percent female.

funnyflyby's picture

Um, again.

I actually found that. Afterwards you started talking about technology laughing in the face of men and you laughing in the face of technology.
I'm born in October, mixed handed (left for sports, right for drawing and usually writing, and ambidextrous for just about everything else), and I hate garlic. It messes me up. I've never tried asiago cheese. Does this make me a vampire?

MacAvity's picture

Hey, that sounds exactly

Hey, that sounds exactly like the ambidexterity I have!

Does the garlic affect you medically? Or do you just hate the taste? My vampire mother loves the taste of garlic, but can't eat it lest she be bedridden all morrow with skullsplitting migraine.

funnyflyby's picture


a little of each. I hate the taste of garlic on everything but garlic bread, which I love. If I eat it on anything else, I'll get a slight headache and a really, really bad mood. On garlic bread this never happens, though. Whenever I touch plain garlic, I get a slight rash on my wrists.

lacking_direction's picture

Now it makes sense why I

Now it makes sense why I read Super Duck's journals and never find anything to do with the title. Good to know about the Random Title Generator now...

So, something relevant to your journal...I like guy's clothes too even though I'm a girl and asiago cheese is pretty good lol.

MacAvity's picture

It's not just that I like

It's not just that I like guys' clothes - that would be fine, if that were all it was. It's that I have guys' clothes, and buzz-cut hair, and no makeup, and no breasts big enough to be discernible beneath my guys' clothes. So, in everything but the soft lines of my face and the soft pitch of my voice, I resemble a boy. And so people assume I am one. Naturally. But the thing is that I like them to assume that - if I wanted people to always know about my body, I'd wear my hair longer, or something. And the problem is that I don't really know why I like people to think I'm a boy, so I can't explain properly to my mother, so she doesn't want to let me let people think that. That's the real problem.

funnyflyby's picture


I wish I could get away with cutting my hair short so badly... I know I couldn't, though. My best friend loves that our hair matches for some reason, and if I cut it even a little she gets a little sad, and tries to hide it because she doesn't want to pressure me and thinks her whole hair-matching thing is stupid (which it is, but I'm not going to tell her that.) I guess I'm more neutral-gendered than anything else. So I don't mind dressing either way, as long as it isn't Abercrombie or something like that. Twee...

funnyflyby's picture


Now I'm confused. I thought the Random Title Generator was Super Duck herself. Is there a random title generator or NOT? Why must the world always be so confusing?
EDIT: I seem to be having garlic symptoms right now. I have that kind of headache and a rash on my wrist... did I touch/eat garlic today? Oh... now I remember. I believe my friend gave me a garlic-flavored corn chip before lunch and I was so hungry I ate it anyway. Or maybe it's a coincidence. I really AM a vampire! How interesting.

MacAvity's picture

The random title generator,

The random title generator, used by but not belonging to (or being) Super Duck, is here:

funnyflyby's picture


Thank you! That's so funny! I need to start using that. If it's okay with Super Duck. Super Duck, is that where your username came from, too?

MacAvity's picture



Never before have I gotten anywhere near a Super-Duck number of comments!

funnyflyby's picture


To add one more! (I'm sorry more than half of the comments are from me!)

loreonpravus's picture

Super Duck's secret,

Super Duck's secret, perhaps?