what the fuck am i?

Siovampire's picture

I wish I could just have someone else answer that question for me! I'm sick and fucking TIRED of asking myself what the fuck genitals I should have. I don't hate my female body, but I feel so masculine and like I shouldn't have breasts.

I feel like I don't deserve to call myself trans because I don't hate my body and want to vomit every time I see it.

What do I do?

I bound my chest once and it felt great! I mean..it was uncomfortable but it was so nice to walk around with a flat chest and look like all the other teenage boys...but then I told my mom and she flipped. And I flipped. And I never bound again.

I feel stupid and confused and I hate myself but not my body but I love the idea of looking like the guys at school..broad shoulders, and a flat manly chest, and a square jaw, and no hips...it seems to wonderful and free to look like they do....I feel fucking stupid every time I walk into the girl's bathroom. I don't belong there!

But do I have the balls (go ahead and laugh at the bad pun) to go into a men's bathroom? NO! So what the FUUUUUCK?!

Comments

MacAvity's picture

I often feel the same way.

I often feel the same way. And I'll sometimes use the men's bathroom if I'm certain that nobody who knows me will know that I did. Although often this is because I can't find the women's, or can't unlock it, or somesuch.

Siovampire's picture

haha i remember the first

haha i remember the first time I used the men's bathroom..only done it once...but it was so funny because I felt like a ninja having to slink in and out without being noticed

"Keep your eyes on the stars and your feet on the ground." - Theodore Roosevelt

terminatrix93's picture

Yeah, I agree with you,

Yeah, I agree with you, mate. Totally get where you're coming from. If it was lefft upto me, I'd buy all my clothes and everything from the guy's section.

I shouldn't love you but i want to, I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you, but I can't move, I can't look away
~Jesse McCartney "Just so you know"

Siovampire's picture

men's clothes are sooooo

men's clothes are sooooo comfy!!!!!

"Keep your eyes on the stars and your feet on the ground." - Theodore Roosevelt

PT's picture

That is totally common

That is totally common apparently. I will be the third to agree that when I was younger and still today, that people have no idea if I am a girl or a boy. I loved it that naturally when I walked down the street holding my girlfriends hand, we looked like a normal couple, a cute couple to the "heterosexual" eye. I used to be the exact way. Perhaps you may change your thoughts, or you may not, the point is, is that what ever feels good to you feels good for a reason. And there is some one out there who will love that exact quality about you. Things have come a long way to be excepted. The good things are, as life gets aged, and more complex over the years, you will realize that people are not looking as closely as they may seem to be. Be you, be comfortable, and there should be no questioning. Confidence is what makes people accept. They don't lnow any better.

Siovampire's picture

Thank you so much, PT. Your

Thank you so much, PT. Your words really made me feel better :) I'm just so...wigged out when it comes to this stuff because I just honestly don't know what would make me happy. Most people think I am a guy and that does give me the tingly happy feeling and it makes me mad when mom corrects them and people call me "she" and stuff...but I dont hate my body like I said and I don't think I want to go thru the transition...

"Keep your eyes on the stars and your feet on the ground." - Theodore Roosevelt

PT's picture

Any time. My mother used to

Any time. My mother used to do the same thing. I am sure if and when I go home now, and if i dress in my masculine appearance, she would still continue to do the same. I believe it is just out of her protective instinct as if I wanted them to know that I was a female in the first place. But what she really didn't know, what that I didn't mind. Now was I ashamed for feeling that way, maybe just because of the aspect that at the time, alot of people did not understand. And of course today, you still can't expect much out of the normal crowd. But the thing is, the more people know about you, the more they will leave you alone, the only boundry is, is coming to terms with yourself, and expressing how you truely are. I myself don't like people in my business, unless I trust them to be light on the subject. Subject in which I like to be viewed as a male counterpart at times. It just feels right. There is a grove, and it takes a while to get placed and set in it. It is a rocky road being people like us, but tred firm, and don't let people make you feel shameful. as I said before, the more confident, the more intimidating, the more intimidating, the more people simply won't mess with you. Intensity scares alot of people, they try at all costs to avoid confrontation, and they will. Soon in the near future, you will be able to look people in the eyes, and just watch them look away. They will look for something else, without question, just to let you pass by with out them being tested. There are the mighty few, that will test you every now and then, but that is okay, it is just life. And those peole will unfortunately always be there.

Siovampire's picture

Where have you been my

Where have you been my entire tumultuous teenage life?

"Keep your eyes on the stars and your feet on the ground." - Theodore Roosevelt