A terrible situation

Ibleedaudio's picture

Well I'm back to oasis again, though I can't really remember what the name of my last account was, I believe it was "Thegodmachine" or something similar. Regardless I'm stuck in a very sticky situation and there's no way out without someone getting hurt.

For the last six months I've been having some problems coming to terms with my sexuality. The main reason being my battle with religion and overcoming my preconceptions about god. I started going to church more often, got baptized, and eventually accepted that god doesn't hate gays but really it's just man's interpretation that is flawed. However during this time where I started coming to terms a friend of mine and I got closer. She and I had worked together in the past and as we hung out we got closer but in different ways. For me our relationship was me finding a friend that I hadn't realized was there all along, unfortunately for her I was "The one". She had never been in a real relationship with a guy that didn't treat her badly and apparently this ended with her becoming VERY attached to me. We ended up dating and and eventually I took her virginity but that was really her doing. In a weird way she kind of forced herself on me and now I find myself finding excuses why not to be physical. I can't just tell her that I'd rather be in the arms of a cute guy....

Now I'm stuck in a relationship with a girl who is head over heels for me and despite her being a great person and all around amazing, I can not make myself attracted to her. It's been like 6 months and I can't get out, she's romanticized it all and I know that me breaking it off will crush her. I've pretty much kept it up out of guilt which only fuels the problem. Now I question whether I should just outright end it or wait until after the holidays. I don't want to ruin her holidays but it's a question of which is the lesser of two evils. Also do I tell her the actual reason for the break up? I know honesty is best but after her getting attached the way she is and everything we've been through would it just be better to lie to her? I don't want to scar her by thinking that the only guy who ever treated her good was gay. I don't know how that would affect her....I know I'm a bad person for letting this get out of hand but does anyone have any advice. Not to be dramatic but I'm drowning here.


MacAvity's picture

I've read a story

I've read a story (fictional, though) very much like your situation. The ending implies that it turns out okay... The story was called 'Tommy and Winnie,' and it was in a book entitled Am I Blue, which I found in my school library. It's not on the Internet, though, and any retelling I could do would be woefully inadequate. The important part is, Tommy tells Winnie that he does love her, but can't love her quite the way she loves him, because he's gay, and she gets upset and he panics and leaves her, but comes back later that night (after hanging out with some guys in celebration of his newly acknowledged homosexuality) and they reconcile extremely quickly, and the story ends with them going to sleep together in a loving but non-sexual way.

So...probably overly simple story.... That really sucks for you, mate. I'm sorry if I wasn't much help.

funnyflyby's picture

I'm not sure, but I think you should tell her.

The longer you wait, the more hurt she'll be when she finds out. It won't be pretty, but it has to happen eventually.
Best to tell her the real reason, otherwise she'll blame herself and that will REALLY ruin her holidays.