So, as of late, i have been struggling a little...ok, a lot. in school, in work, in life...basically, everything has been bringing me down.
I have been so depressed the past few months i have hardly been able to function. School has been kicking my ass, in fact, i am currently failing out of it.
My mom wanted to surprise me for christmas by flying me out to the country she has been in for the past few years in the middle east and to 'talk' about why things haven't been going well for me and about the medications that i am currently on...
fine with me, but I was wondering over the past few weeks whilst getting visas, dealing w/ passport issues, and other things...'what the heck am i going to tell her?'
She wants a definitive what is going on in my life, and i was not sure to what extent i wanted to share what had been going on w/ my depression, causes and other issue i have been dealing with recently.
so, she flew me out to this country, somewhere here in the middle east, and we took a side trip after weeks of traveling the country near the school she works in as a teacher.
anyway, my good friend told me to get up the nerve to tell her, and told me to approach coming out the same way as i would a big jump on a motorcycle or a bike.
interesting analogy, but it totally worked.
anyway, i was going to tell her this one night (christmas, ironically enough) when she had been out w/ a friend because i got sick w/ food poisoning, and i was working up the balls to tell her, when her annoying co-worker who lives upstairs (the teachers all share apartments here) burst in w/ a bottle of wine and food to discuss our (really their) travel plans for going to the south for the next two days...so anyway, spent an hour building up the courage, then got shot down...:(
needless to say, i was pissed and annoyed!
so, the next day, I was feeling better and we got taxi down to the town south of us where we could catch a bus to the army base where we would get special permission from an army officer to go further south into the country where we would stay for the night @ a B&B on a secluded beach along the mediterranean, run, off all things by a lebsian couple...yes, i typed lebsian. if you know, good for you, if not...guess ;)
so anyway, we arrive @ the B&B and we decide after checking in, to go for a walk on the beach.
My mom and her friend read for awhile while i go for a swim in the mediterranean, and then i headed back up to the sandy, white beach, and sat down next to my mom.
after awhile, she and i go for a walk along the beach, much like we used to in california and our old house on the waterfront.
on our way back, I apologized for how angry i had been that her friend was there, and told her that I wanted to talk, away from her friend. so we sat down, right then and there, in the sand, watching the sun go down.
I began w/ school, the drugs i am on, the conversation that she had wanted to have...after all that, She asked me what factors of my life there were that caused depression i didn't think i could get past or get over, and i hesitated...I told her that i didn't trust her w/ that kind of info since she tends to blab things out, w/o meaning to...
at first, she took offense, then, she realized how true it really was...
eventually though, after she and italked some more, it came out, or, more realistically, I did....
i told her simply, when she asked again what factors i didn't think i could accept were, that i was gay.
she got a slightly confused, surprised look that came over her face, and finally said...'well, I had suspected it' and then she went on to talk about how i had all her support in this, whereas many kids don't (i know this is true, many kids i know are homeless or were kicked out for being gay)...and that she would still love me no matter what.
there was no blame, no what could i have donw differently....none of it...
and she even promised not to become a psycho PFLAG member. lol.
so yeah, anyway, I came out! not thrilled, not excited. In some ways, it was a relief, in others, it only created more stress.
on the plus side, I will continue to enjoy my vacation, and even though it's illegal to be gay here (i know, i know, join this century,sometime please) I will also continue staring at and admiring all of the hot guys here! seriously, everyone in europe, the middle east and the mediterranean is hot as hell! and almost all guys here, gay or straight wear briefs of tight, sexy underwear and tight jeans! why are foreign guys so much cuter? lol.