I am at the library at first break and my friend comes to sit with me. She says
"now i am only saying this as i am your friend and i don't want to hurt you"
Oh god. I know it. I can almost predict what she is about to say. That someone has said something. Behind my back. Made a comment. And what on hmmmmm? That I am gay. I was correct.
frustration and anger mixed with sadness and depression is a feeling i have known to well this past year. As i go along with my daily and ordinary school life i can feel the presence of always being judged. I walk along the corridors listening to my complicated mind as i feel the heated glaze of onlookers and there minds registering comments and disapprovals that they have commissioned onto me. They then once i am out of there radar will perform a host of there "witty" comments to there friends and then i will become the talk of the town. Mr attention. All for the wrong reasons.
As always i am inside my feelings and often wish when i hear about these comments that i could cave in and change myself. To delete my mannerisms and actions that power such rudeness. But i cant become something i am not just for them, life just does not work like that, well for me. Isolation is a special thought that is echoed when i listen to all of this criticism. I wonder if can i continue with this. I am just bored of everything that is happening right now. Everything is very stationary now and with all of this well shit that is happening i feel so dull.
I want to burst into thick streams of tears but i can only manage long and silent tears that paint emotionless across my face. I want to escape and cocoon myself into a world of acceptance and creativity. Remove myself from my judgemental town and be free. Run into the arms of a boy who accepts my colours. I know its a dream and i am a romantic but then i probably wouldn't feel as ill as i feel in the present.