Broadcastings From a Closet

JustmeTony's picture

Living in a suburb, in a state that constantly rains, and in a chaotic family comes me. I'm your typical boy next door and like most people on here I'm gay, or am I? Only time will tell really. Being in the closet isn't much fun. I have to feel bad all the time, ask God why me, and thank God for repealing DADT, if I do come out by the time I start to serve. I took up this Journal as a new hobby for me and to give all of you the documentation of the life of a boring teenager who is yes, in the closet. Wow big surprise there, eh? Sure one person (my bestfriend) has suspicions about my sexuality, and sure when she or anyone else asks I deny that I am, and sure I also have only had girlfriends. I'm also a virgin and the closest I've been is a damn peck on the lips. I'm almost a legal adult! That's a bit effed up if you ask me.

For many of us (The LGBT Community) the hardest part of accepting who we are is accepting that were normal. That there's nothing wrong with us and we shouldn't feel guilty. Well for many of us, or at least just for me, I do. I feel guilt every time I finish looking at porn (Hey I'm a teenage boy what do you expect?), I feel guilty every time I watch a Romance where the main (straight) characters get married and have a wonderful life in the end. Sure I could be over reacting but I also could be experiencing a possible meltdown... possibly. We all know how painful it is to remain in the closet, especially as a teenager, and wrestle with our own emotions. Asking the same questions over and over, why, why, why? Why am I like this? Why can't I just accept myself? Why am I such a prude? Well that last one may just be me though.

But anyways, I know that I really don't have to choose if I'm Bi or Gay yet, although it doesn't help that even if I'm sexually attracted to men, women keep throwing themselves in my direction, too conceited? I think not, but the point is: I'll never know what I truly am, unless I get myself out into this world of ours and decide for myself. There's really no use in sitting in my room sulking or rejecting people from both sexes that choose to take interest in me. Wow I sound like a whore.... but like I was saying, life's to short to sit around and divulge in.

Currently there's this girl whose been so nice to me and flirts with me heavily. I've been debating whether or not to ask her out, but I've also been flirting with this guy I've known for a bit who likes me a lot, the only problem with that is I'm closeted and he knows that. Gosh, I hate drama. Anyways I don't know which one to pick, on one side I can see myself dating her but I know like all my past relationships we'll just break up and I don't know if I could be happy with her considering the whole "I might be Gay thing" I don't want her to be some sort of beard, but at the same time she does make me feel happy and different. On the other hand the guy, whom I've only met once, is sweet and pretty sexual and he flirts with me, but I'm afraid I'm only attracted to him sexually. Anyways I'm at a lost choose the girl that makes me feel giddy and likes me or choose the guy whose kinky and cute? Wow this really doesn't help me figure out if I'm Gay... I mean all I do is look at gay porn, hey someone had to say it. So I'm going to let you the reader comment the guy, the girl, or neither.

Comments

whateversexual_llama's picture

hm.... I'd say neither.

hm.... I'd say neither. Don't date somebody unless you have your emotions in order. if you're attracted to one of them as a person, go for it. If not, you're just hurting other people, and as a person who's having emotional struggles you know how much that sucks.

Aaaand I probably don't need to say this, but there isn't anything wrong with you. Don't ask why so much- you were born who you are and there's meaning and beauty in that. Being gay isn't always going to feel like a burden. Coming out is one of the most liberating feelings in the world. Maybe you should tell that friend of yours.

Nice to meet you! I can't wait for the rest of your story. Good luck coming out and everything ^^

elph's picture

Are your dreams...

...equally ambiguous?

In general, your dreams (the ones you have while sleeping) are a very good indicator of one's innate orientation.

JustmeTony's picture

Reply

Thanks for the replies! :] I didn't think anyone would reply haha

@whateversexual_llama
Yeah, although now I've been actually feeling some romantic feelings for the guy, and thanks for the advice on stop stressing over my sexuality. Over the past couple months and even days I've been becoming more accepting myself for the better.

@elph
Actually they're not. I've only had sexual dreams about guys... so I guess that tells me something more about my sexuality heh.

elph's picture

Well... At least it's a very strong hint!

Enjoy!

Oh, yes... I hope the dreams are not too messy. Or do I perceive the wrong anatomy :(