I'm currently living at home, both for the upcoming holidays and because my panic attacks and bad reactions to my medicine were making finishing the semester impossible, even if it's only a week or two. I do feel like being home is helping with my anxiety in that I can sort of get away from the crowded chaotic-ness of dorm life and college.
Sort of. Because home also has other trials- my mother especially feels the need to perpetually involve me with things, inviting me to play games and go for walks, and not quite getting it when I say I'm pretty much ready to collapse. She's also really bad about my gender identity, as in I don't even want to bring it up around her, and today when she noticed I had been playing with makeup again (going for a bit of a gothy androgynous look, which involved dark blue and black eyeshadow, some darkening and thickening of eyebrows with mascara, and dark and shiny lips), she told me that it scared her, because she never knew what she was going to see next when she saw me. That really bothers me because I think my mother might be attributing my interest in the somewhat macabre and aesthetic to my current mental state. It's quite the opposite: playing with my appearance tends to cheer me up a lot, as corny as that may sound. But her use of the word normal especially bothered me. Apparently my makeup wasn't normal, and I wonder if she means normal girl makeup. I'm frustrated because quite honestly, I don't know how I identify right now, or how I'd like to be addressed, so I'm getting the same name and pronouns because I'm too scared to say anything.
I know being away from college will help, but honestly, I almost made the choice to stay in a hospital rather than come home because I didn't want to deal with this. I may lose more freedom in a hospital, but it's not as if I have much now. I'm eighteen years old, and apparently my keeping my door shut is bothersome to my mother, because it makes me so far away from her. It really is ridiculous how much of my time she thinks I owe her. I'm still old enough to be living on my own at college, even if that isn't feasible right now, and her constant badgering isn't making me any healthier. I know that she does care about me, and this might partly be her worrying, but really, she's been like this for a while. I just wish I could express myself in peace.