I Know you dont want to hear me whine

centerfielder08's picture

I know you don't want to hear me whine, but I figured I'd write all this stuff down anyway to get it off my chest. If only I could get other things off my chest by just posting on Oasis....

anyway, I'm alerting those of you now who might not know me yet or those who do but only want to see me through the easy days, this may be a hard journal for you to read.

here goes...
I don't know who the 'you' in this journal is because lately, the ones that I usually would turn to, I can't. I'm nearly 10 hours away from home so I can't just walk around and know where I am. Sometimes I think I've met someone that I love but in truth its the jealousy eating away at me. Probably one of my biggest vices, I must say, is that of jealousy. Outside of my cyberworld here on Oasis, when I first meet a new girl, I mistake my complete admiration for her to be lust or love. But it isn't. As many "That's what she said" jokes I may make, I'm one of the least sexual people possible. I tend to obsess but after a small bit of time passes, I find its just that I find that girl to be amazing, an object of attraction in that I can't be that girl. I'll never be the girl to be envied for the long hair that I know what to do with it.

More often than not, I throw mousse into my hair and hope it lays frizz-less enough on my head. I never wear make-up. I bite my nails. I like to hide my breasts. I bury myself under comforter covers during THAT time of the month.

I'm not just the girl next door. I question my gender nine times out of ten. I am overly-sensitive. I'm short. I'm athletic, to a certain extent, but not someone you'd pick first in gym class or anything. I have acne.

In short, I'm a rebel of the typical, normal person. I defy every possible expectation I can. I thrive on doing the impossible. Mission: accomplished.

This last week has been rough. I've been so angry, so very angry. And depressed. I can blame it on the fact that I just got out of my period. I could blame it on the fact that winter break is almost over. But none of that is true. I don't even know what prompted this depression. But its been bad.

One of my huge obsessive compulsive disorder symptoms is that of confessions. I haven't actually confessed much lately. Surprising, I know.

My Mom's birthday is coming up and I haven't gotten her anything. She already chastised me for not returning the favor and getting her a holiday present. Seriously, I mean Come on! Gosh.

My dysphoria has been awful. I've been binding. I painted my nails bright hot pink to try and make my real feelings hide away. But now I look at my nails and I can't remember what I was thinking to make me do that. People text me, calling me Eli. Why do I feel like a liar when they call me that? I'm buying a binder. I think off and on, often, about getting surgery. I would get the keyhole surgery, I know that much. I'm rather small-chested so the incisions wouldn't be too big.

I wish I could wear a v-neck shirt without wearing my stupid chest. I wish I had bigger feet. And a lower voice. And that this hoarse, raspy voice that threatens a common cold coming on would be here with me constantly.

I find that the friends I have, I have a therapy sort of relationship with them, one where we don't hang out much, but I run toward them when I'm depressed only to have them say "There, there, I'm here for you." When the depression flees, so do they. I want a knight in shining armor. And that ruins any possible relationship I could ever have.

I don't talk to my ex-boyfriend because he creeps me out. My ex-girlfriend I find rather frustrating when she randomly gets high off smoking weed or gets drunk. Or that once at 1 am when she texted me back "I'm currently being occupied. By my boyfriend."

I'm so depressed and I know when I go back to therapy they're going to just blame it on the fact that so much is changing and that I'm changing therapy regiments. Which is not the source of my depression. I've been thinking a lot lately. I've been really sad.

I talk to my parents in a monotone, not because I hate them. But because I hate how everyone thinks they've gotten me figured out so d(a)mn well. Yesterday and today my Dad came to talk to me about my Mom's surprise birthday dinner, but it was right after he showered. He was only wearing a towel on his bottom half. And it made me feel so awful. And scared. And paranoid.

I haven't shaved my legs in a few months. And while I'm proud, I am, in fact a dude, so it shouldn't matter...I can't help but thinking I'm sick because I present as female. I'm constantly having paranoid thoughts (is that what these are), that, among other ones, that I'll break my leg or something and when I go in to the hospital to get it casted, they'll see my lack of a nice, shaved, womanly leg and freak out. Part of me wants to shave it all off, but I know I'll be mad if I do that, because it takes months to grow it back to how it is now.

Am I a freak for being this person? Sometimes, I'm unsure what I'd say if I met someone like me. If my exact persona was assumed on someone else's part, would I avoid them like I do seafood or would I take them on as someone to fix?

I don't know. But until then, I'm just me.

That's all I can be. And I'm not going to apologize for that. I am, however, going to apologize for this ranty journal. I know its not always welcome.

Yesterday, my friend texted me with some other labels because thats so often one of the things that gets me down. She called me "masculine gender bender" and "gender rebel." I think these fit. I'm not sure, though. But, until then, I'm just me. I'm Eli. And I'm sure I'm male.

By the way, the other day, I had this whole dream of me getting a male bottom half, I'm not going to bother trying to write out the word and hope to figure out how to skirt around the spam filter.

I've felt so incredibly male. And I know I'm being rather repetitive, but because its still pretty new, I feel the need to just declare it out loud. Right now, I'm proud of being Eli. I'm trans, and I love me. This is weird, especially in this past week of my depression, my anger, and my sadness.

More to come...I wanted to write, later, about my medicine and the generic brand and blahblahblah.

Anyway, sorry for not knowing how to end these in a semi-normal, understandable, and comprehensible (I can't remember the word I'm actually looking for) way.

'Til later, Oasis.
Eli.

Props to those who made it through reading this. I'm surprised. And quite impressed. And you're my new best friend.

Comments

MacAvity's picture

It would seem I'm your new

It would seem I'm your new best friend. Will you be mine, too?

I could probably make a really long list of all the bits of this journal that could have been my thoughts/feelings. Not all of it, maybe not even most, but a lot nonetheless. But, strangely, I think it's the parts that aren't true of me that make me feel the most.

I don't really expect you to remember this, but some time ago I gave you a virtual hug and you said that it was the best virtual hug you'd ever received and that you 'wuv'ed me. I was wary of using the love-word, and responded that I was very fond of you. It was too soon for me to love you; I didn't know you well enough. But that fondness has grown with longer acquaintance, and I think I can say it now, I think it's true. I love you, Eli.

Meldiseus's picture

Hey

I feel kinda akward after MAc saying that He or she loves you but I feel like I have to say this.
I wish I could be more like you. I'm a trans male but it's not just your gender It's also the way your able to let others know how your feeling. Your able to spill out your feelings and I kinda admire that cause I'm not good at that kind of thing. I'm the type that usually likes to keep things bottled up. Some times I feel so cold inside, I would have soo many feelings bouncing around inside and have no way of getting it all out or Id' be too afraid of what others would think of me if I told them.
Look whether you know it or not you have a gift and I'd be honered to be your friend.

Uncertain's picture

Can't say I've questioned my

Can't say I've questioned my gender or known enough transgender people to give you much specific feedback, but just want to say I'm also your new 'best' friend now (you better make up your mind soon).

What I can relate to is the desire to want to do something, want to be something, but almost impossible to do given the constraints of society or money. It reduces idealism to cynical pragmatism, and compromises and even alienates someone from their true potential. I don't have a solution for this conflict between what you are and who you want to be, but you seem to dissect your own thoughts pretty well - let's hope your struggles will be transient.

centerfielder08's picture

MacAvity---Yes, most

MacAvity---Yes, most definitely yes. I will be your best friend. And believe it or not, I sure do remember that...all of it...the virtual hug and the "wuv" and everything. I love you, too, MacAvity.
Meldiseus---That means so much to me, seriously. I take all of what you said to heart. So many times my (now former) friends would get mad at me for sharing my thoughts or feelings, so its so nice to hear you say this. I'd be honored to be your friend, as well. And I really appreciate that note you left me. IT made me feel really...whole (sorry if that sounds super cheesy).
And last, but definitely not least, Uncertain---It means a lot to me taht you commented on here, even though you have not been through the same struggle in terms of questioning your gender. You can also be my best friend, no doubt. And that whole second paragraph you wrote is so true--cynicism can be a blessing and a curse, truly, at least in my own opinion. <3

I really want to thank the three of you for posting comments. I have to say I was hesitant to submit my journal, but I figured I must because I hate hiding my feelings (Meldiseus, I too sometimes get caught up in bottling up my feelings, you are definitely not alone in that one). I hate being the person who just stops writing on Oasis for weeks because I'm not flying high as a kite. As much as I'd like to only report happy stuff, that's not what its really like, and I appreciate you all joining me on this journey.

All these comments mean so much to me, you have no idea. They truly filled my heart and made me feel better about myself.

The Bookworm's picture

Hey Centerfielder!

Hey Centerfielder!
I don't understand the title because I enjoyed reading that, it was well written and showed to me that you are a brave, wonderful person and well...Hugs.
Also, thank you for your comments on my journals. Half the time when I'm writing them these days I really just need to feel like someone's listening to me.

funnyflyby's picture

I will always listen to you whine,

new best friend. Whom I love. And... I know this isn't relevant at all, but... MACAVITY'S BACK! YES!!! I missed you, MacAvity.
Anyway, I will always listen to you (meaning Eli) whine, as I already said. I will also send another smiley army, but in a private message because I don't want to take up too much space. So... yeah, I've felt a lot of the things that you said. Not all by a long shot, but enough. And I understand, as do the smileys, and we'll all always be here.
Wow.woW

Delightfuly_Emo's picture

I feel like everythign that

I feel like everythign that I wanted to say has already been said...
I wanted to comment and say, that I feel you have great courage to just be able to throw your thoughts out there to everyone in a virtual world. Really. I mean it. I could never get to that much of a personal level like that, even to my real life friends.
Anyways....I don't have too much more to say because I am not trans myself. So... :)

centerfielder08's picture

The Bookworm--- Aww, thank

The Bookworm--- Aww, thank you!! *hugs baaack*. Yes, you can always count on the fact that I'm reading your journals, no doubt about that. you're not alone in the struggle, i promise.
Funnyflyby--- :D :) ;) ;D Yay! I can't do smiley army as well as you. But thank you :)
Delightfuly_Emo---I really appreciate your comment. It means a lot to me and makes me feel really good. I hope you know that I'm here for you and all that other really cheesy stuff I could say but don't want to get all mushy-gushy (tehe). :)

I really appreciate the fact that you guys called me brave. It means a lot to me. And in light of this whole New Year, I want to say, that Oasis has truly been a gift and so are all of you. I'm very fortunate to have others, such as yourselves.