I've had such a shitty day.
I've never panic attacked at school before. Much less in the middle of a test. So I dug my nails into my skin and it stopped. But then I panic attacked again so I once more dug in my nails. It works, but it makes me feel sick. I know I shouldn't be doing this, hurting myself. I've had lasting marks three times this week, which definitely means it's worse. I showed one of my friends cause I couldn't keep it to my self anymore. Too scared. Too sad.
I need to figure out how big a deal this is. If I tell my mom (who is not my best friend right now) I'll end up in some sort of therapy again and I don't want that. I want to live my life not be stuck talking about my life and my feelings an hour a week. I'm worried they'll make me take meds and I don't want that. My brain may be fucked up but its MY brain. MINE. Not some chemicals. I almost want to talk to the counselor at school but my last school-counselor experience was so awful and is it really that big a deal? I'm not cutting myself, not drawing blood. The marks fade. Plus, what are they going to say to me? I don't want someone telling me to take deep breaths, drink water, go over logically why I'm fine in my head or telling me to squeeze the stress ball. If any of that worked I wouldn't have got to this. It's not the act of aggression that calms me down, it's the pain. the pain calms me down. how fucked up is that? how worried should I be?
I need to decide if I need help-help. Thoughts? Please? I'm so alone right now. So scared. I'm crying and it's making it hard to type....goddammit. my life is so great right now. This should not be happening. this should not be happening.