I need your help. I'm scared and I need your help.

The Bookworm's picture

I've had such a shitty day.
I've never panic attacked at school before. Much less in the middle of a test. So I dug my nails into my skin and it stopped. But then I panic attacked again so I once more dug in my nails. It works, but it makes me feel sick. I know I shouldn't be doing this, hurting myself. I've had lasting marks three times this week, which definitely means it's worse. I showed one of my friends cause I couldn't keep it to my self anymore. Too scared. Too sad.
I need to figure out how big a deal this is. If I tell my mom (who is not my best friend right now) I'll end up in some sort of therapy again and I don't want that. I want to live my life not be stuck talking about my life and my feelings an hour a week. I'm worried they'll make me take meds and I don't want that. My brain may be fucked up but its MY brain. MINE. Not some chemicals. I almost want to talk to the counselor at school but my last school-counselor experience was so awful and is it really that big a deal? I'm not cutting myself, not drawing blood. The marks fade. Plus, what are they going to say to me? I don't want someone telling me to take deep breaths, drink water, go over logically why I'm fine in my head or telling me to squeeze the stress ball. If any of that worked I wouldn't have got to this. It's not the act of aggression that calms me down, it's the pain. the pain calms me down. how fucked up is that? how worried should I be?
I need to decide if I need help-help. Thoughts? Please? I'm so alone right now. So scared. I'm crying and it's making it hard to type....goddammit. my life is so great right now. This should not be happening. this should not be happening.

Comments

lonewolf678's picture

i wish...

...i could help, unfortunatly panic attacks i've had usually calmed after the traumatic event ended, even though after i had minor panic attacks after one incident. all i did was try to think of something else, although i might have pushed away the feelings and never dealt with them, they will eventually fade away and thus be forgotten (my theory). i suggest when you wake up in the morning think positively. although you might not agree with my suggestion just try it. think logically about the bad things (from what i am assuming), make them seem small and insignificant, for when you entertain bad thoughts they seems more and more serious. i hope this might help. :)

funnyflyby's picture

Ooh...

It's hard to say, exactly. If I have a panic attack, I usually end up randomly falling over wherever I am, and then sitting aside and spacing out until I feel better.
As far as the self-harm, it's never good to hurt yourself but if you'e got to there are worse things you could be doing than fingernail marks. I have no idea if this is helpful, but maybe try to do the fingernail thing slightly less painfully each time, until it barely hurts at all and is mostly a habit. Then...just break the habit. Hm. Maybe I should've thought that through a bit more...
Regardless, you need a smiley army. So:
:) ;D <: ;) (: :D ;> :) (; (: <; :D :)
The smileys don't want you to hurt yourself, but will always be there, just like their master and supreme overlord (that would be me). Good luck, Bookworm.
Wow.woW

centerfielder08's picture

I think this is a type of

I think this is a type of OCD. have you ever been asked if you have ocd? cause there's a skin picking and such type.
/....

I'm here for ya

MacAvity's picture

You probably don't want to

You probably don't want to hear this, but... it does sound like some sort of chemical imbalance. I mean, feeling afraid when there genuinely is something frightening in your life is one thing, but feeling afraid without external cause... there's nothing you can do about it but try to rebalance the chemicals in your brain or your body or wherever it is that these chemicals reside. Thinking positively is great, but it can be impossible when your body is only giving you negative chemicals. Medications won't interfere with you, not your being or your essence or your real feelings that don't come from glands. That's what your glands are doing now - medications might make them stop and allow you and your real feelings to shine through. But I'm no doctor.