I wasn't going to post for a while, but I figured I should due to some inspiration and courage I brought together after communicating with a baby rainbowsy, funnyflyby.
So here goes. About my day....
This morning I was rather worried because I had an appointment to go to. It was for an OCD program. I talked with the woman in charge of it for about an hour and a half. It was, for the first part, much about me answering questions about myself and my past. Then, I got to do some of the talking. Then, she explained a little about the program and finally we talked about what the outlook for me will be.
Anyway, In just that short period of time, I told her a few years back I had come out as gay. And then I told her that I'm trans. IT was the first time I used that word for myself in a dialogue and talking aloud with someone. A mess of emotions.
I dont know really why I told her. It seemed like it fit and she seemed as though she'd be fine with it. She was. She didn't condemn me or tell me to go to hell or anything. Which was a big thing for me. It somewhat amazed me. Not that I thought she would, but it was so hard. I almost want to keep coming out if I were to get a similar reaction and yet, at the same time, to never have to come out again.
Then I went to buy myself an iPod Touch. And went out for lunch with my mom. Mixed feelings. She kept talking about school...so stressful.
And how taking 2 real classes and one online one wasnt enough. And that made me mad.
I feel very frustrated because I want to be Eli. But somehow I doubt I'll ever be. I have a love/hate relationship with myself. and right now I hate my body and my mind. Its hard to forgive yourself, I guess. You must know what this is like.
Anyway, I'm feeling a mix of things.
But right now I really just want to come out. But I don't want to have to deal with it.
Somehow I don't know who I am yet the word trans seems to fit.
And one thing I dont get is when I came out to a former English teacher of mine the other day , the first thing she said to me was "Oh my goodness, are you okay?" She wrote it in a way that made it seem like once I came out as trans she expected some suicide note to follow. WTF?
I looked at pictures today that made me sad but I felt like I needed to do it.
Feeling so much right now.
I feel partly guilty because in a few years of therapy, how have I not been "fiixed"? I mean, how have I not gotten over my issues?
I'm just hoping I don't need to stop my treatment for ocd/depression/anxiety/ptsd just to declare im trans. Is that how it works? That I have to abandon my other issues? I'm not against gender therapy , but I dont get how my current therapist thinks I can do that now when I still have urges that skyrocket. I dont know how I will do this. or how one person should deal with it. I was never one to understand shit like that.