Loss

Rayven's picture

I have been sporadically writing here since 2005. At that time I thought I was bisexual with straight tendencies. Now I am almost certain that is not the case.

Over the years I have had boyfriends, and I am currently married to a man. This is apparently completely irrelevant.

But tonight (or I should say this morning) I came to the conclusion that I am more than likely a Lesbian. Or if not a lesbian, a bisexual woman who favors women. I have been friends with a woman for several years now, and in a lot of ways we enabled one another, we were forgiving and always lifted one another up when we fell down. We were tragic, emotional friends who wrote together, partners in crime.

I never really considered our relationship to be romantic, though we wrote together romantically, even erotically. She left the place we shared last night, and while I still have contact with her.. In a lot of ways it will never be the same, I love her and I will be mourning her deeply for a long time to come. Though I know she is not out of reach, or out of touch. Her presence is leaving a gaping hole in me that I did not expect, anticipate or was adequately prepared for.

Because I never thought of it the way I do now.. It has affected me so profoundly that I think my head is spinning. Who I thought I was, I don't think I am anymore. Despite my clinging onto it, I feel like my body knew the truth long before I did.

Each time I post, I come back here and am horrified by what I posted last because I felt like each time it had some meaning to it, some emotional sensation.

At the present, I feel like I was ignorant and clueless because of how raw I feel right now.