No kidding. It was the stupidest Advent candle lighting EVER.
1st of all, it's Saturday, but for complicated reasons we lit it today.
2. Nobody in my family seems to know the words to any of the songs.
3. The lighter failed. My brother was thrilled at being allowed to use the thing for the first time (little pyro, runs in the family!), and lit the 2 purple candles (hope and peace, I think) and absolutely failed at lighting the Joy candle (the pink one). At this time, I was supposed to be reading, 'This candle is symbolic of the joy God and Christmas bring us.' As my brother tries for 15 minutes to light it. Hm, not much joy, huh?
And... we ended up getting the lighter covered in wax, all three candles out, and a mother freaking because we almost lit the wreath on fire. Oops.
Now, the part that's been bothering me is having to say all this religious stuff I don't really believe, because I feel like I'm lying. I'm not really Christian, though it's the church I go to and my family's Christian. I try, but can't get myself to fully believe in God. I just can't. At the same time, I then worry God will punish me for not believing in God, and that just doesn't make any sense. Really, why can't I just be either Protestant or atheist? Why must I be here? The only way I'll ever know what I believe is if I make up my own religious beliefs, which I plan on doing ASAP. They'll be closer to atheist than Christian, but... I don't know. In the meantime...I'm stuck feeling super uncomfortable at church. I'm also wondering if being non-religious will negatively affect my personality. See, my dad's evil and atheist, as is most of gaj's side of the family. My mother's family's always saying they wouldn't be so awful if they believed in God, etc.
What makes me sad is that telling my mother I'm (mostly) non-religious would get a far worse reaction than plain ol' coming out. I could tell gaj I dreamed about, I don't know, sleeping with rabbits, and get a better reaction...! Gaah.