Proud

Dracofangxxx's picture

I think,
it is ironic

That if someone, let's say, stops drinking
Or smoking
or even doing drugs;

People tell them they are proud of them.

I'm proud of you for overcoming that.

But cutting?

Cutting never gets the same treatment. It's like it's a taboo, inhumane practice, not an addiction like the rest.

Or for, daresay, attention.

But from one who knows, it's just as hard to kick. I don't think there's not a sad or angry moment when my thoughts flicker to that knife in the cherrywood box, in the dark drawer in my bathroom. The handle is ornate and designed with a train logo, for my father's train company. The blade is approximately five to eight inches long.
Everytime my body gets wet, everytime I sit in the cream white tub and soak, the scars blush a mahogany red and I cannot count them on both hands. I can't even count them on two hands. They cover my body in tiny slices, overlapping.

And nobody's proud that I've stopped. But if I start, then it's a horrible thing.

So why stop if nobody cares that I'm not?

[Why should I miss harming myself? I don't know. I just ache for it sometimes.]

Does anybody want to hang out this weekend
I am lonely
I am always lonely these days

Comments

ferrets's picture

hmmmm

wellll...i would love to hang out :) to bad your like an hour away...

"A loving man and woman in a committed relationship can marry. Dogs, no matter what their relationship, are not allowed to marry. How should society treat gays and lesbians in committed relationships? As dogs or as humans?"

Dracofangxxx's picture

XD

You should come to a swim meet, and we can oggle the boys together XD Like Chad!
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You are beautiful, in every single way <3

ferrets's picture

once...

my friend can drive other teens legally :)

"A loving man and woman in a committed relationship can marry. Dogs, no matter what their relationship, are not allowed to marry. How should society treat gays and lesbians in committed relationships? As dogs or as humans?"

Dracofangxxx's picture

Aaaaawesome. That would be

Aaaaawesome.
That would be SO COOL :D
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You are beautiful, in every single way <3

ferrets's picture

correction...

that WILL be so cool

"A loving man and woman in a committed relationship can marry. Dogs, no matter what their relationship, are not allowed to marry. How should society treat gays and lesbians in committed relationships? As dogs or as humans?"

holahaveamuffin18's picture

i know exactly what you

i know exactly what you mean.
just last week i was officially 1 year without self harm, and there was no celebration of any sort, or even recognition. only one person *knew* it was my one year anniversary, and the only mention of it was when i told her.
she said she was proud of me, and then we moved on with the conversation.

but i know how much it sucks to not get any praise for overcoming it.
i am proud of you, though. i know that it *is* an addiction like the rest, and is just as hard.

Dracofangxxx's picture

Thank you...

Your words really help. I feel a little better now. I'm proud of you, too.
-
You are beautiful, in every single way <3

holahaveamuffin18's picture

thank you too. it means a

thank you too.
it means a lot to me.

hellonwheels's picture

Shelby...

I agree...i think that cutting is a seriously under-appreciated/ talked about teen issue. I know several people who were far worse thena myself when it came to self-mutilation and or cutting that have and still struggle with it today. I hope you can overcome that urge. and if you guys weren't an hour from seattle I would totally hang out w/ you. but it would be awkward, since im like 6 years older than you guys. haha.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

Dracofangxxx's picture

XD nah,

I actually get along with older people really well. One of my best friends is like four to five years older than me XD

Thank you, your comments make feel so good :'D
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You are beautiful, in every single way <3

ferrets's picture

there are...

an oddly large number of oasians in washington.

"A loving man and woman in a committed relationship can marry. Dogs, no matter what their relationship, are not allowed to marry. How should society treat gays and lesbians in committed relationships? As dogs or as humans?"

Dracofangxxx's picture

I know! Jeezus.

Maybe it's cuz Washington is THE BOOOMB.

Or something. It's really supportive of gays and stuff here :) At least in my area.
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You are beautiful, in every single way <3

hellonwheels's picture

hmm...

maybe its something in the water...

oddly, there are many oasis-members no longer on here i have met in real life due to the whole geographical-closeness of us. haha

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

625539's picture

An Oasis meet-up would be

An Oasis meet-up would be chill.

as small as a wish in a well.

Dracofangxxx's picture

It really would be

Some of my best friends are on this site :D
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You are beautiful, in every single way <3

MacAvity's picture

I've never cut myself (well,

I've never cut myself (well, okay, not intentionally), and I'd always considered it a bit taboo and squicky and all that... until a few weeks ago, when, for what might have been the first time, I actually saw cuts on an acquaintance's wrist. And I was amazed at how little it bothered me. The cuts were so...shallow. And small. And impermanent. I saw that if she were to stop adding new ones, the scars would be gone in a matter of months, perhaps a few years, I don't know. But they would go. And I thought, If by cutting herself she can get through whatever hardships she may be having, without resorting to any measures more permanently damaging, where's the harm? So... I don't know where I'm going with this... but... yeah.

Dracofangxxx's picture

Oh, yeah, well.

Personally I have onyl cut my wrist once and it was very difficult to do. The tendons and flesh were just too loose and moved around too much so it made for really difficult cutting. That's why I always used my ankle, the flesh is really still and I could cut really close together and it would be like little rows.

I scar pretty easily. I've got scars over my scars over my scars so I don't think they'll ever go away.

Most of the time, people are afraid of self-harm because it's a way for suicidal people to get over the survival instinct of fear and the threshhold of pain. That's why it's seen as so bad. And I understand that, now.
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You are beautiful, in every single way <3

swimmerguy's picture

Well,

I would be proud, if I knew! Let me know! I'll be proud for you!

I mean, I don't understand it myself, I just hate the thought of a blade moving through your skin, even superficially, and if I get a cut I obsessively push on it as if I can push the folds of skin together.

However, I crack my knuckles all the time, just did in fact, and I know it's not exactly good for you, but I've tried to stop multiple times, but it's imposssible, it's so addicting, and there are people I know who wouldn't understand that, and I'd be proud of myself if I stopped cracking my knuckles so I would be muchos proud of you for stopping cutting.

No one escapes from life alive

Uncertain's picture

It must be hard, but I'm

It must be hard, but I'm proud of you too.

elph's picture

I'm confident that all would be proud...

...(if only silently) if they were aware of the struggles you've overcome.

Cutting, however, can be readily hidden from view... and it usually remains a well-kept secret.

I'd suspect that you resorted to cutting at a much younger age... when you were not as mature psychologically and physically as now.

I am proud that although you may continue to experience an occasional yearning for the psychological relief that cutting once provided (e.g., why am I not amongst friends tonight?), you are now able to reject this device... which, at best, would divert your attention only temporarily away from troubling thoughts.

The downer, however, is that the urge to cut may be revived at stressful moments (where are all my friends?).

It's great that you've not given in... but you do recognize that professional counseling should be sought? This is not to suggest that you haven't...

One suggestion: If your friends seem too busy to call you to hang out, you should call them.

Christmas is no time to be alone!