sorry in advance for this, i just really need to get this off of my chest. but please comment.
I want to break down crying and say it. just say it. but i cant. so many strings attached.
this goshdarn depression has gotten me yearning to cry and i cant even do that. i'm such a failure.
and all i can think about as i stare at the picture of the girl i once knew is how hollow she looks inside. how if i look in her eyes, there seems to be a black void inside her body, eating away her sorry little ass.
the scale points to a lower and lower number. she looks deathly thin. why can i know thats wrong and still hate myself for my normal weight? i want to be thin. i sorta liked being picked out before for my size.
but not her. i cant talk to her and when i do its like that best friend of mine is gone. she doesnt laugh and smile, she cries and the only image i can muster up in my own head is her cutting. all i can see her doing is failing and falling.
i want to catch her. i was best friends before. we used to go out shopping for office supplies, grab a cupcake after school. but we cant do this anymore. her sister has died and this girl has gotten too damn hollow inside.
i love her and i hate her. i hate how i love her and i love how i hate her. semantics.
i want to give her a big hug. i used to think of running away from my own house and using hers as a refuge. now it scares me. and im afraid if i go to hug her , there'll be nothing to grab hold of or onto.
i'm sorry but i love you.
in some ways, i wish we could pick up this friendship where we left off. but in others, i wish you would just tell me yes or no if we have even a slight chance of working out. false hope is dumb.
even in therapy, when i talk about her, they roll their eyes as if to say that i have no right to feel any sort of empathy or sadness for her because of her sister. its not fair. i feel like im mourning both losses. and with no shoulder to cry on, these tears are wetting my pillow. yet its all just an image because the tears wont come.
the only time they do is when i look at myself in the mirror and all i can get out are words of how messed up i am.