She looks hollow inside

centerfielder08's picture

sorry in advance for this, i just really need to get this off of my chest. but please comment.

I want to break down crying and say it. just say it. but i cant. so many strings attached.

this goshdarn depression has gotten me yearning to cry and i cant even do that. i'm such a failure.

and all i can think about as i stare at the picture of the girl i once knew is how hollow she looks inside. how if i look in her eyes, there seems to be a black void inside her body, eating away her sorry little ass.

the scale points to a lower and lower number. she looks deathly thin. why can i know thats wrong and still hate myself for my normal weight? i want to be thin. i sorta liked being picked out before for my size.

but not her. i cant talk to her and when i do its like that best friend of mine is gone. she doesnt laugh and smile, she cries and the only image i can muster up in my own head is her cutting. all i can see her doing is failing and falling.

i want to catch her. i was best friends before. we used to go out shopping for office supplies, grab a cupcake after school. but we cant do this anymore. her sister has died and this girl has gotten too damn hollow inside.

i love her and i hate her. i hate how i love her and i love how i hate her. semantics.

i want to give her a big hug. i used to think of running away from my own house and using hers as a refuge. now it scares me. and im afraid if i go to hug her , there'll be nothing to grab hold of or onto.

i'm sorry but i love you.

in some ways, i wish we could pick up this friendship where we left off. but in others, i wish you would just tell me yes or no if we have even a slight chance of working out. false hope is dumb.

even in therapy, when i talk about her, they roll their eyes as if to say that i have no right to feel any sort of empathy or sadness for her because of her sister. its not fair. i feel like im mourning both losses. and with no shoulder to cry on, these tears are wetting my pillow. yet its all just an image because the tears wont come.

the only time they do is when i look at myself in the mirror and all i can get out are words of how messed up i am.

Comments

Punkish Insanity's picture

honey.....

Please, don't get too down on yourself, and I say that in an empathetic way. I'm not trying to be cliche, but it really sort of broke my heart to read this. You need to stay strong, keep looking for things to live for. That person who makes you smile, even if only slightly, or even that you have to get up every morning to feed a goldfish. You can't help others until you help yourself.
As for your friend, I get the hollow thing. Someone needs to be there for her, because it sounds like she's deteriorating. If you feel like you can carry the burden of her (I mean burden as in like a load, not as a bad problem), then do it. Reach out to her and help in any way that you can. You can't be scared or hesitant, because that's exactly what's going to make her worse. If you really love her, then you'll be able to see her in her worst stage and say to yourself "I hate this, I'm going to get rid of this shadow and bring her back." And then you just gotta do it. Jump into the storm before you have time to be scared.

~ It's a cosmic joke that I'm a lesbian, because I understand men so well but women are a complete mystery to me.

swimmerguy's picture

Agreed...

I agree almost completely with everything Insanity already said. I can only speak for myself, but I have had times where my emotional state has been terrible at best.
But, at times like these, I need to find something that I have passion for, something to live for.
First I take a long, hot shower, just to relax and think for a second, think before I do something stupid.
Then, I listen to music that I not only love, but also is very positive. For example:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RIdRl9bbRJQ&safe_search=on
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pSeNZTwkoqc&safe_search=on
Music I like for the happy lyrics, or also Ravel's Bolero, because of how it ruthlessly continues on at a steady, patient pace.
And if the music succeeds in cheering me up, or at least giving me a little passion to live on or motivation to keep going, then I find different ways of looking at the world.
Sometimes I think of swimming, and how I love it, and how great all the people are, and also Top Gear, my favorite show with the AWESOMEST hosts in the history of the world, or other things, and I somehow manage to think of anything in a positive light.
Again, I can only speak for myself.
And I totally agree with Insanity on the friend part.

No one escapes from life alive