I need to tell, about me, to explain what is in my head. It makes it clearer for me when I write it, so here it is.
I wrote about Nina a while ago (here). That was me, I was happy, innocent, I had everything. I won't lie, I was spoiled beyond belief, never had to do anything I didn't want to. I changed schools and became someone else, Nola, Nadya, Nuru. Always a new personality. When I was 11 (Nuru), my parents got divorced, my mom told us she was gay, at this point I had had several major crushed on girls. I came out to myself when I was 12, going on 13. I'm 14 now and very confused, not about my sexuality at all. I am bi, have no questions or issues, very good with myself.
I'm confused about life. Mine and my mother's. My grandma screwed up my mom. My gramma wouldn't let her children be who they were, she only wanted them to be who she wanted to see. Both my Mom and Aunt got stuck and are having trouble getting out. My mother is a depressed Alcoholic and I'm stuck with more responsibility then I ever had to deal with. Since I never had to deal with much, I feel spoiled, feeling sorry for myself.
My best friend, E or Ellie's parents are getting a divorce. Her mom was cheating on her dad and won't tell her kids. Ellie won't talk to me because she's hiding from the truth. She hid because she can't deal.
My other best friend, J, thinks he is depressed. He's the one who I write most of my entries to. I yell at him, call him Liar, punch him in my head. Thank him for holding me. I was a jerk to him, I got pissed at him over every little thing, then hang on him as if he was my lifeline. He feels as if he were the only thing holding me here.
I know that suicide is never a good option, but I was thinking, just thinking, what if I did die? I would be at peace, I would ask them to keep living, without me. I imagine nothingness. At the same time I think about all the things I haven't done: gotten a real kiss, went to Paris, taken Ellie to the beach, seen the Niagra Falls, gone to High School, gone to College, dated, written anything worthwhile, argued and won with an authority figure, had sex. I don't want to miss those, and I don't want to rush those. I have a whole life ahead of me, I'm only 14. But I'm not sure I want to live this life, and I'm not sure I can take it, either.
I write to calm myself, to express myself, to find the truth. This is it:
I'm scared. For the first time in my life, I don't know what to do, Ellie is refusing any assosiation with bad things and J is pissed at me and rightly so. I need help, even though I don't think my problems are that big compared to some, my problems are big to me, so I'm asking for help.