Disability services and general update

centerfielder08's picture

This Tuesday I have a meeting with a woman at school to make my case of why I should be getting special accommodations due to my disability. So I have that meeting, which should go okay, though I'm sort of nervous because I don't know what to expect.

Wednesday I have a meeting with someone else because for credit for my psychology course, I need to be in a research study, and so I did this online survey for 1 credit and turns out, I qualify for their in-person interview which is an additional 2 credits (I need 4 credits total). So I'm going to be doing that. One of the online survey questions was what gender I identify as , so I think I answered that I didn't want to answer. Anyway, I'm sort of nervous for it because its all about stress and so they'll be asking me about my past and such. Anyway, one of the things I'm most worried for is that they'll ask if I identify as gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender/straight. I found out recently that apparently I don't know how to answer questions because I start getting all rambly. Who knew that was a medical issue. Well, whatever.

I'm super depressed today and so I wasn't going to journal but then I felt really selfish for just not responding and not writing on here, so I decided I'd journal. I'm trying out this "new and Improved Eli" because I know I used to share all my depression with everyone on here and I dont want to be *that* person. So....yeah.

I went shopping with my parents today and I picked up this super snazzy wallet in the men's department and said how nice it was. And my mom made me put it back saying, "(Insert GIRL name here), that's a *men's* wallet." Grr. Just....grr.

I've been looking in the mirror and seeing Eli stare back at me but its like it makes me happy and scared all at once.

I've sort of been a prisoner to my ocd lately and my latest thing is that I've been thinking about weight (just one of many things on my mind at the moment). I'm not overweight but my ocd has been telling me that I'm bad for changing weights. So, I've lost a few pounds I think. And I don't want to say I'm happy and then get poked and prodded. But at the same time, I am sorta happy.

I've noticed my hips for the first time in the mirrors and they don't look good. I wish I could take them off.

Anyway, I'm going to stop this journal here because I have this huge urge to confess about what's actually going on but I'm trying my best to stay in better spirits.

Cheers,
eli.

Comments

loreonpravus's picture

This is going to be a hellishly long comment.

If the only thing distinguishing men's vs women's wallets is the section they're in, pick it up discreetly, move it, then act surprised when you discover it in the opposite section.

I despise shopping with my mother (my dad's is a little better because he's totally oblivious to whatever department we're in, but he's impatient and pushy- oh well) because she's always dragging me over to the women's section, and nixing whatever I pick up from the men's.

For the record, I like listening to you; your journals are full of thoughts and well written. Writing is good- get all the stuff out of your head so you don't spontaneously combust.

On one hand, I wish my hips were slimmer for a purely functional purpose: I don't know if you've read this before but I blew my right knee out when I was 13 (complete ACL tear; it was pretty nasty and I had a screwy leg for about two years before getting it fixed). Male bone structure in the pelvis and legs are less injury prone compared to the female- I'll let the Internet explain technicalities.

Now, on the other hand (aesthetic reaons), I think mens' hips and legs are totally weird looking and I always find myself staring at men in shorts in befuddlement. Women's legs, from the side, look a lot better to me. From the front is fantastic, too- for every other woman except me. I want to get my body fat percentage down (I'm hovering at around 23%, I think) so I don't look as curvy from the front.

This spiel of mine could go on for ages and extend to every other body part so I'll stop myself here. Parting shot- I have been naturally blessed/cursed with a really nice feminine figure. Bleh. Gotta slim down and buff up.

centerfielder08's picture

I have to say, I really

I have to say, I really admired your "hellishly long comment."

And that's a good idea about the wallet thing. I'll have to try it out. My mom seems to be more open to whatever I want to wear, that is, as long as its coming from the women's section. Today I tried on this huge plaid flannel shirt (from the women's department). I wouldn't be allowed to try it on otherwise. But my dad...I don't shop much with him for clothes because he's equally (if not more so) indecisive than I am, which doesn't help.

Thank you for allowing me to spontaneously combust :). I really appreciate it, truly.

Oh, jeez oh man, that must'a been an awful two years...mobility-wise, I mean. How'd it happen? My dog actually tore her ACL, we still don't know how, though. It was sorta interesting because it happened around the time that I got hospitalized for my depression a few years back so it was like we both descended into darkness at the same time. Haha, excuse the poetic nature of the previous sentence).

Yeah, there are some body parts which I have to agree with you, look sort of strange on guys. Its weird because I was talking with a trans friend of mine recently and I was saying that I look at a guy and want his body for myself, but I think the male body in general is sort of gross in my opinion. :P

I really wish I had nice upper arms, you know, sculpted and what not. Anyway...yeah. I used to be made fun of in middle school because how flat I was. I had this one "friend" who would always comment on my flatness and I was like....how do I respond?!

Best sentence ever: Gotta slim down and buff up. <3 forever and ever.

Oh, and I just found a picture from when I was 13 and unknowing of gender/sexual orientation and such and I had taken the picture as a guy. Craziness!?!

loreonpravus's picture

What is this I don't even... *sigh* long story time!

Geez, man. You always make me want to ramble -.-

The ACL I tore training for track and field in eighth grade. Running long jump. The sandpit must've been uneven or something. I just remember I ran, took off, landed on my right leg and there was a squishy kind of crack, and the next thing I know I was screaming in the sand. It really, really hurt. To this day I still have an aversion to long jumping; for fitness testing at my school one of the things is a standing long jump in the gym, and when I stand at the line before I jump, I always get clammy and unnaturally nervous and frightened and my heart starts pounding like I've just run 5k.

That injury pretty much ruined my athletic life. I'm trying to bounce back now, but I'll probably never play rugby (something I really, really wanted to do before the injury).

When I initially went to emergency, they did an x-ray, but not an MRI, so they didn't catch the ACL tear. Over the next two years, I had my knee randomly dislocating momentarily at times, especially when I tried to play sports. Walking normally was fine, though, which was possibly why it took so long. The last straw: we were doing something outdoors in grade 10 science, and I fell and sprained my knee again. I demanded to go see the doctor, who referred me to get an ultrasound and then an MRI, where they caught the ACL tear.

I went through reconstruction surgery in the summer right before grade 11. The worst part was not being able to get anywhere (though getting the staples out was pretty bad, too). They gave me a full bottle of painkillers; I used about five pills, of which I'm pretty proud of; my dad had a similar surgery and he needed two refills. I spent two months on crutches and I couldn't run for almost seven.

If I were a pro athlete with all the resources and time and money to devote to physio... but I'm not. I'd say I'm at about 80-90% now. Sometimes, I can still feel there's a weakness in my leg (for the surgery, they cut out one of my hamstring tendons to use as the new ligament) and it feels like I've momentarily pulled my hamstring sometimes, but it is a lot better than it was before. I'm not a terribly good swimmer, but I've been thinking about getting into the water because it's virtually no-impact: stuff like water polo and whatnot.

Okay, I think that's enough. This is longer than half the journals here XD