Falling, falling…

funnyflyby's picture

and SPLAT. Bleh.
Today is a suckish day in the life of Flyby.
No school today, which is a BAD thing because I miss Tuesday Chorus.
Plus, I'm sick. Not terribly, but enough to feel Supremely Yucky.
I'm wearing eeeevil pants.
And for whatever reason Jayjay came over. I don't feel like socializing! At all!
Blehhhhh… Jayjay joins the group of non-gaj-sayers. No…
(I'm in the room next to the one Jayjay and my brother are in, listening to their conversation.)
Brother: Hey, where's Flyby?
Jayjay: Oh, she's on the computer in the other room.
Me: Gaj…
Brother: (mockingly) Don't you mean gaj?
Jayjay: Well, I don't have to say it if I'm not talking to her. But she is listening…
Me: …

I talked to Jayjay… it ended with us both crying… And Jayjay is the best friend I've ever had. In person, at least. Yet… Jayjay won't stop saying 'she' and 'her', and made me feel really guilty for asking for 'gaj'. So now I feel completely awful for even being upset. And… if Jayjay can't use a gender-neutral pronoun for me, will anyone?
If I just offend my best friend with genderqueerity, what's the point of me?
I don't really want to be friends with Jayjay now… I know I didn't explain fully to you guys what happened. It hurts too much. I don't wish to be 'biffles' with Jayjay anymore. But when even subtly hinting that brings tears and friendship clichés, I can't make myself end this Friendship-Since-Third-Grade. I couldn't do that to Jayjay and I couldn't do that to myself.
Plus I'm sick in bed. It may be mostly emotional now, though…
I'm missing my cousin's seventh birthday party…
For now, I'll just feel supremely awful, guilty, and insecure.
The world doesn't need me…
I need me. I'm just going to read a book, someone's journal, anything, to distract myself. Bahhh…
Jayjay and I rely on each other too much.
People rely on reliability too much.
If everyone had a 't' of one, life would be much better. I wouldn't be hurt when someone acts differently than I'd expected.
:(

Comments

MacAvity's picture

Giant virtual Oasis hug.

Giant virtual Oasis hug.

Everybody else, come hug Flyby! Gaj needs it!

kamkam's picture

OK :)

*HUGS HUGS HUGS*

(beauty is in the eye of the beholder)

funnyflyby's picture

:)

Thank you so, so much... That just made me feel much better. You guys are the best. Truly.
I just almost cried. *hugs you back*