I just realized that the title doesn't need to relate to the journal at all!

funnyflyby's picture

I feel like I was happy about something today... but I cannot remember anything positive about today for my life. So why was I happy? I distinctly remember thinking, 'Well, today's certainly much better than yesterday was. Maybe 2011 won't be so bad.' And now, looking back, I see that today wasn't actually all that good a day. So... whatever. I'm just happy to return to school tomorrow. I've ben missing Bday...
I'm confused. As some of you may have noticed, I hate my father's guts, for several pretty darn good reasons. The entire holiday I've been at my mother's house. Why am I glad to go back to the Hell Pit?
I'm insulted, starved, and yelled at for nothing there. I get to watch my dad drink beer and yell at a football game with the 14-year-old dentally diseased dog. The house smells like a cesspool and is full of stink bugs and their carcasses. Why am I glad to return, at least until Wed.?
When my dad got custody, I was miserable. I didn't eat for days. I still cry about it suddenly sometimes. When I first had to go there after the 3 years that we were allowed No Contact I promised myself I wouldn't get used to it. I wouldn't be 'suckered in'. Because I knew that would be easier. Why am I glad to return to my Place of Torment now?
Answer: Oasis. It's hard for me to sneak on here, my mother cares enough about me to pay attention to what I'm doing. My daddoesn't. I can sit up in my bedroom there for hours on end and nobody notices. Here... well, I've got a LOTof posts to read.
I hope I don't get used to it.This court case is about getting me OUT of my dad's house. If that's not my focus, how can we ever hope to win?If I can't tell the judge, without a doubt, 'I never want to go there again', what can we do?
I feel awful complaining about my problems after the death of MacAvity's bird. My journalseems so insignificant compared to that loss:(
I also feel guilty about the fact that I'm in a good and somewhat silly mood. I have no right to be happy.
Why am I?

Comments

kamkam's picture

OMG

Oh my god no offence but your father sounds like.... well I'm not sure if what I'm thinking is too mean or not so I'm not going to say it. all I'm going to say is that that man sounds horrible. I really hope the court gives your mother custody of you cause that life sounds inhumane.

MacAvity's picture

Your journal is not

Your journal is not insignificant. This is important stuff about your dad - maybe it's because I've got a devil of a lot of posts to read too, but I didn't know anything about him, or your relationship.

I know what you mean about having no right to be happy. I've felt that way for months. And it's made me less happy. And I still don't know whether that's a good or a bad thing.

What sort of computer do you use? Is there really no way short of a neglectful parent to hide what you're doing with it?

Good luck with the court case....

funnyflyby's picture

Thanks, people.

I'm using my DSi... since I'm ignored at my dad's I can safely sit up in my bedroom for hours. At my mom's... 'Why is the DSi always in your room? Is there something you're doing on the Internet you don't want me to see? Why don't you SOCIALIZE with your family?' et cetera.
Thanks for the luck... I'll need it.
Wow.woW

MacAvity's picture

What be a DSi?

What be a DSi?

MacAvity's picture

Curses! My first double

Curses! My first double post!

funnyflyby's picture

A DSi

be a little handheld video-gamish player Nintendo thing, and the 'i' stands for Internet...it's funny I got it for my birthday, as all I ever use it for is the Internet.
It's got 2 screens, one's the touch screen and one's the 'viewing screen'.
It does not have any sort of Flash, italics/bolding, or copy and pasting abilities, unfortunately. It also has a limit of how many characters I'm allowed to fit in a text space. As a result, many a journal and private message has been cut short.
The good thing is that I can sneak around with it and hide the thing quickly whenever anyone comes in the room.
Wow.woW

MacAvity's picture

Aha. Hiding quickly is key.

Aha. Hiding quickly is key. I try to avert suspicion as to why I spend so much time using this laptop (which hides quickly by flipping shut - although I had quite a turn today when my brother borrowed it without my knowledge or consent: luckily, he didn't find the Oasis tab) with the vague cloak of 'Homework.'

You know, italics and bolding on here are done with HTML tags (the ones listed just below the comment field) rather than with any special function of your typing device. As long as you have > and <, you can do such formatting. Actually, there are a lot of 'Allowed HTML tags' of which I still know not the function... Pardon me for a moment while I experiment...

What does 'a' do?
I know what 'b' does.

What does 'dd' do?
What does 'dl' do?
What does 'dt' do?

I know what 'i' does.

  • Ooh, what does 'li' do?
    1. And 'ol,' what is that?

    I know what 'u' is, though I've never had occasion to use it.

      But what is 'ul'?

    Okay, 'img' is something else entirely, something complicated, which I have used before...

    Dare I test what 'br' does? It looks so much like 'break'...

    I know what 'strike' does.

    But what is this 'p'?

    And this is a 'blockquote.' And I know 'object' and 'embed' are not things one does to text, although I don't know exactly what they are instead.

    Okay, sorry about all that. But I had to know.

    funnyflyby's picture

    Haha!

    I feel quite enlightened.
    Do not apologize! You entertained me!
    I'm fairly hopeless at HTML stuff in general, so I'll probably never use them...
    I had been wondering about the allowed tags, though. Thank you!
    Wow.woW