I feel like I was happy about something today... but I cannot remember anything positive about today for my life. So why was I happy? I distinctly remember thinking, 'Well, today's certainly much better than yesterday was. Maybe 2011 won't be so bad.' And now, looking back, I see that today wasn't actually all that good a day. So... whatever. I'm just happy to return to school tomorrow. I've ben missing Bday...
I'm confused. As some of you may have noticed, I hate my father's guts, for several pretty darn good reasons. The entire holiday I've been at my mother's house. Why am I glad to go back to the Hell Pit?
I'm insulted, starved, and yelled at for nothing there. I get to watch my dad drink beer and yell at a football game with the 14-year-old dentally diseased dog. The house smells like a cesspool and is full of stink bugs and their carcasses. Why am I glad to return, at least until Wed.?
When my dad got custody, I was miserable. I didn't eat for days. I still cry about it suddenly sometimes. When I first had to go there after the 3 years that we were allowed No Contact I promised myself I wouldn't get used to it. I wouldn't be 'suckered in'. Because I knew that would be easier. Why am I glad to return to my Place of Torment now?
Answer: Oasis. It's hard for me to sneak on here, my mother cares enough about me to pay attention to what I'm doing. My daddoesn't. I can sit up in my bedroom there for hours on end and nobody notices. Here... well, I've got a LOTof posts to read.
I hope I don't get used to it.This court case is about getting me OUT of my dad's house. If that's not my focus, how can we ever hope to win?If I can't tell the judge, without a doubt, 'I never want to go there again', what can we do?
I feel awful complaining about my problems after the death of MacAvity's bird. My journalseems so insignificant compared to that loss:(
I also feel guilty about the fact that I'm in a good and somewhat silly mood. I have no right to be happy.
Why am I?