I'm Sorry for Keeping you Hidden

centerfielder08's picture

I'm sorry for keeping you hidden. I know I've kept you in the dark about everything that's going on. When you ask, "How are you?" I say "Fine" because maybe that's just the easiest. I know for this you consider me a better conversationalist than maybe I would be if I said more.

I am having urges to confess. I want to just email my Psychology teacher and tell her what's going on. I can picture it in my head, going to her office hours, to tell her. But I can't. I'm controlling the urge.

I wanted Asian food for dinner tonight but Dad's in a pissy mood. So he was annoyed with what I suggested because I don't eat enough to say what I want to eat, apparently. So let's put off my feelings and eat other stuff. Fine. I hate that this makes me feel so emotionally dysregulated. I feel pretty awful at the moment.

I haven't been binding these last two days. Yesterday I couldn't because I knew I'd be out of the house for at least 12 consecutive hours and so I didn't want to risk it. And today? Well, I don't know why today. My Mom was home and I didn't want her to give me any issues with it.

Today I saw a friend of mine which went well. And I tried on guy's clothes. I saw a great t-shirt, but didn't buy it because I knew what my Mom would say.

I didn't call the woman from therapy to tell her about my binder. I hapharzardly told someone else about me binding. And they responded well, commenting how now I'll be a much better drag king now. I was so pleased with her. I wanted to buy a bowtie. And a mustache.

Two people I texted earlier today haven't texted back.

I'm so overwhelmed with homework. I want to confess.

Anyway, my stomach is gurgling...I'm hungry. When I stood up and started to walk, I felt light-headed wooziness. Oh, just great.

My teachers don't say "Tonight's homework is..." so I'm kept guessing. I'm afraid to ask because I don't want to sound stupid. I wish I hadn't signed up for a full load. Its just, already, I'm starting to sort of regret that decision.

I don't know how I feel about having the weekend upon me. I'm so happy to have no school. But I don't want to be trapped constantly with the parents.

Next Thursday, the 13th of January, I finish my group. I'm so scared and sad and sort of mad. And then the following Tuesday, is my guess, I start the new one. I asked my therapist the other day if this new group that I'm going to be in also has an hour a week dedicated to one-on-one therapy and she said she wasn't sure. I can't deal with not having individual.

Right now I feel unheard. I'm okay. Just sad. I hate how dysregulating all my emotions feel.

I want to say "On a brighter note..." but I don't know what to follow that up with. I could tell you about a commercial I just saw that made me laugh, but what's that to you? Just another story. Anyway, I got a bracelet (not a girly one, but one made with string, like the friendship ones) today with my friend. Mine is rectangular and has different purple, white, and black polygons on it. Purple is my favorite color (there's a certain fun fact about that hidden somewhere, if I decide to share it). And it looks sort of guyish, at least to me, because its not all curliques and whatnot.

I look at it and think of the word Pride. Not bad, eh?

So I guess I'll mention how I've been dealing with my being trans. I'm great with thinking that I'm a guy. But when it comes to the rest of the world, I don't know. I don't want to be either, but I identify as trans. Or rather, as trans*. Anyway, I'm not coming out to my parents, and if I do, not for a while...a few months, at least. So I don't know how to parade around the town. I think of myself as a guy, one-hundred percent. Then why, when I look in the mirror, is all I see my girlish stuff. My earrings that I wear for my parents' comfort, how much my long hair looks so feminine, everything.

I'm dreading the next period.

My voice sounds so great, grovelly, and all because I've had a sore throat for a bit. Which is cool. I've been talking more like a guy and everything. It helps so much. But as much as it helps, it also hurts that no one notices. I want to be taken under someone's wing and asked to say my feelings without the other person shying away. I miss the friends I used to have. I have been trying hard to not give in to my urge as of this last hour or so to delete a lot of my Facebook friends that I don't talk to. If they don't talk to me, I should delete them because in turn, when I talk and they don't respond, I'm the one that gets screwed over. That ends up feeling like crap.

I want someone to want to hear my secrets when I allow them. I want to confess everything to a listening ear. I think on Monday (I have to wait 'til then because my therapy place is closed over the weekend, only working "regular business hours") I'll call between classes and group and tell her everything. I really want to. I really really want her to hear my words. She said I could talk to her. Will I get in trouble if I do?

I'm fearing the end of this journal because then I have to decide something and I hate deciding things. I have to decide what to do next. Probably dinner, soon, anyway.

Sometimes, I wish you'd think of me as much as I think of you.

'Til later, Oasis,
Eli.

Comments

loreonpravus's picture

I have so many words

I have so many words bouncing around upstairs that beg to be confessed to listening ears. Whether that's how you feel or not I don't know, but I'll just write everything down- random, fragmented thoughts- when it gets to be a little unbearable. I then proceed to read this list off the next time I'm with someone who's listening. Just knowing that eventually, someone WILL be hearing what you want to say is a huge relief at times.

Can you cut the hair? If you can pull off something androgynous that works both ways, it might satiate the parents and give you some small relief.

My ears are pierced. I considered taking one out to make them/it look more guyish, but my own pathological liking of symmetry made me decide otherwise. Where I live, a lot of the guys with pierced ears wear CBRs- they get their ears pierced and just leave in the original jewelry, but whatever. Stuff that's plainer, like those metal circles, tribal designs, etc. are what I would personally consider to be more masculine. I actually like earrings because to me, guys who wear them seem slightly more badass and liberal. Or douchebaggy if they're going around with huge rocks in their ears, but y'know what I mean.

625539's picture

"I'm fearing the end of this

"I'm fearing the end of this journal because then I have to decide something and I hate deciding things. I have to decide what to do next."

this

i'm glad that you're becoming more and more comfortable with yourself... as for the rest of the world, it will come.

"pleasure is absolute, pain is relative."

funnyflyby's picture

*hugs*

I'm here, Eli. 'Course, I'm no substitute for someone physically there, but... 'tis all I can offer.
*hugs more*
Wow.woW

MacAvity's picture

'Sometimes, I wish you'd

'Sometimes, I wish you'd think of me as much as I think of you.' I think of you all the time - almost literally. I think of you so much that I'm amazed my thinking-powers haven't magically summoned you from your far-off and unspecified land to right where I am - or else transported me. That's how much.

funnyflyby's picture

Oh... me, too.

I feel kinda stupid and unoriginal just agreeing with MacAvity repeatedly, but I also think of you pretty much constantly...
Wow.woW

MacAvity's picture

Heheh. You don't know how

Heheh. You don't know how many times I've found myself thinking (and sometimes even writing) something to the general effect of 'Flyby just said exactly what I was thinking...'

funnyflyby's picture

Heheh indeed...

That is kind of funny... I do that ALL the TIME with random things you post. Wow...
Wow.woW

MacAvity's picture

Isn't it, like, two in the

Isn't it, like, two in the morning where you are? I'm surprised I'm still awake. Won't be for long!

funnyflyby's picture

It is 2:12...

The only reason I'm still awake is that I'm downstairs on the computer instead of the dsi upstairs... I should probably go to bed soon, but my sleeping schedule is extremely screwed up...
Wow.woW