I'm sorry for keeping you hidden. I know I've kept you in the dark about everything that's going on. When you ask, "How are you?" I say "Fine" because maybe that's just the easiest. I know for this you consider me a better conversationalist than maybe I would be if I said more.
I am having urges to confess. I want to just email my Psychology teacher and tell her what's going on. I can picture it in my head, going to her office hours, to tell her. But I can't. I'm controlling the urge.
I wanted Asian food for dinner tonight but Dad's in a pissy mood. So he was annoyed with what I suggested because I don't eat enough to say what I want to eat, apparently. So let's put off my feelings and eat other stuff. Fine. I hate that this makes me feel so emotionally dysregulated. I feel pretty awful at the moment.
I haven't been binding these last two days. Yesterday I couldn't because I knew I'd be out of the house for at least 12 consecutive hours and so I didn't want to risk it. And today? Well, I don't know why today. My Mom was home and I didn't want her to give me any issues with it.
Today I saw a friend of mine which went well. And I tried on guy's clothes. I saw a great t-shirt, but didn't buy it because I knew what my Mom would say.
I didn't call the woman from therapy to tell her about my binder. I hapharzardly told someone else about me binding. And they responded well, commenting how now I'll be a much better drag king now. I was so pleased with her. I wanted to buy a bowtie. And a mustache.
Two people I texted earlier today haven't texted back.
I'm so overwhelmed with homework. I want to confess.
Anyway, my stomach is gurgling...I'm hungry. When I stood up and started to walk, I felt light-headed wooziness. Oh, just great.
My teachers don't say "Tonight's homework is..." so I'm kept guessing. I'm afraid to ask because I don't want to sound stupid. I wish I hadn't signed up for a full load. Its just, already, I'm starting to sort of regret that decision.
I don't know how I feel about having the weekend upon me. I'm so happy to have no school. But I don't want to be trapped constantly with the parents.
Next Thursday, the 13th of January, I finish my group. I'm so scared and sad and sort of mad. And then the following Tuesday, is my guess, I start the new one. I asked my therapist the other day if this new group that I'm going to be in also has an hour a week dedicated to one-on-one therapy and she said she wasn't sure. I can't deal with not having individual.
Right now I feel unheard. I'm okay. Just sad. I hate how dysregulating all my emotions feel.
I want to say "On a brighter note..." but I don't know what to follow that up with. I could tell you about a commercial I just saw that made me laugh, but what's that to you? Just another story. Anyway, I got a bracelet (not a girly one, but one made with string, like the friendship ones) today with my friend. Mine is rectangular and has different purple, white, and black polygons on it. Purple is my favorite color (there's a certain fun fact about that hidden somewhere, if I decide to share it). And it looks sort of guyish, at least to me, because its not all curliques and whatnot.
I look at it and think of the word Pride. Not bad, eh?
So I guess I'll mention how I've been dealing with my being trans. I'm great with thinking that I'm a guy. But when it comes to the rest of the world, I don't know. I don't want to be either, but I identify as trans. Or rather, as trans*. Anyway, I'm not coming out to my parents, and if I do, not for a while...a few months, at least. So I don't know how to parade around the town. I think of myself as a guy, one-hundred percent. Then why, when I look in the mirror, is all I see my girlish stuff. My earrings that I wear for my parents' comfort, how much my long hair looks so feminine, everything.
I'm dreading the next period.
My voice sounds so great, grovelly, and all because I've had a sore throat for a bit. Which is cool. I've been talking more like a guy and everything. It helps so much. But as much as it helps, it also hurts that no one notices. I want to be taken under someone's wing and asked to say my feelings without the other person shying away. I miss the friends I used to have. I have been trying hard to not give in to my urge as of this last hour or so to delete a lot of my Facebook friends that I don't talk to. If they don't talk to me, I should delete them because in turn, when I talk and they don't respond, I'm the one that gets screwed over. That ends up feeling like crap.
I want someone to want to hear my secrets when I allow them. I want to confess everything to a listening ear. I think on Monday (I have to wait 'til then because my therapy place is closed over the weekend, only working "regular business hours") I'll call between classes and group and tell her everything. I really want to. I really really want her to hear my words. She said I could talk to her. Will I get in trouble if I do?
I'm fearing the end of this journal because then I have to decide something and I hate deciding things. I have to decide what to do next. Probably dinner, soon, anyway.
Sometimes, I wish you'd think of me as much as I think of you.
'Til later, Oasis,