I have grown SO MUCH as a person this past year.
I've gone to college. For the sake of anonymity, I don't want to go into details. But I am SO much more comfortable with myself. I feel like, "it's okay, I can do this!"
I went to the Coming Out Ball. I did a project on a gay neighborhood. I went to a party. Every guy on my floor pretty much knows I'm gay. The girls, not so much. I've heard homophobic talk from some of the girls on my floor, and I have a lot of conservative friends. I'm not ready to take that step.
I came out to my best friend in November. The point in the conversation seemed perfect, so I took advantage of it. At first, she was really, really cool about it. And then she told me that she and another friend suspected. That was a shock to me, because I thought I was good at "playing it straight." Apparently not. (Then why do I have so much trouble meeting girls? XD)
The next day was completely different, I'm afraid. It was like, after she mulled it over in her sleep, she kind of freaked out. I think she was so surprised that I told her, she didn't know WHAT to think or say.
It's slowly gotten better. She's even brought it up on her own once, telling me about this girl that she thought I'd think was hot.
I've never been to a good New Year's party. But this year was completely different. It was fun. AND the girl that I've mentioned in ALL of my Oasis posts was there. That made me happier than I thought possible. I mean, I'm talking about a HIGH SCHOOL crush, but I never really got over it. Actually SEEING her there gave me butterflies. Especially since I hadn't seen her in years.
For the first part of the party, we didn't talk much at all. But by midnight we were smoking and drinking together. (I don't even smoke! And she knew that. But another old friend had mentholated cigarettes, and I wanted an excuse to hang around her more. Crushes make you do the stupidest things.)
We just talked and had a good time. At one point, I was talking about a party and said something along the lines of "but she was really cute." One of the guys who I just met that night was like, "Wait are you...?" and I was able to say, "Yes." My old crush was right next to me, so she finally knew and understood, which was one of the best feelings in the world.
Eventually it was late enough in the night where I told her, in almost a whisper, "You were the first crush I ever had."
And she smiled. Which made me melt. I love her smile. And she was like, "Wait, really? Really, like in high school?" And I said yes, and we laughed and talked more. I was terribly afraid that finally telling her would be the most awkward thing in my whole life. But it wasn't, especially since high school is all said and done. I like to think she took it as a complement more than anything.
It was great. I feel like we really connected. Not to mention she watched out for how much I was drinking, which was nice of her. (I also like to think that she cared about my wellbeing.)
She's a few years older than me, she's travelling abroad next semester, we go to different schools, I know it's impossible for anything to happen. But I feel a peace inside of me that I haven't felt before.
Now once I'm financially stable, I might be able to come out to my parents.
Baby steps, right?