My Its-The-First-Of-The-New-Year Journal entry

centerfielder08's picture

Hello, Oasis. Lots to update on. I'm back home, now and am able to sit down to write a little bit before the day truly gets underway.

I've decided for sure which binder I'll be getting. I talked to my trans friend about it and I'll pay him back after he orders it. I'm so grateful for him. Anyway, I'm ordering from Underworks. I'll be buying the Cotton Ultra Light Compression Tank, Style 573, in black. I have yet to size myself and am afraid to do so. (Suggestions welcome)...I don't want to get out the tape measurer and measure my bust size...I mean, I know HOW to do it. But I know that its going to make my dysphoria flare. I'm guessing a size extra small or small, but even still, I hate looking down and seeing them there.

I know, I should blabber on and on about what I have and how grateful I am because some people don't have food and all that jazz. But that doesn't change the fact that after yoga, meditation, Zen, and whatever else a million times over, I am still that girl. I am still a girl.

I've been trying to calm myself down lately by just stating in my head that I'm a guy and that its okay. But it doesn't seem to be. I hate to sit here and lecture you guys about what its like to be treated like someone you're not because I know everyone here has had it before, hence why you perhaps started to first seek out Oasis in the first place.

Anyway, for my group therapy, one of the goals I set for myself was to look at myself every day in the mirror. I really have trouble with that. Because this past week, since its been so bad, I look at myself in the mirror and hate myself for it. I grab the extra skin around my belly and hips and inside my head scream at myself about my fat-ass self. I look at myself in the mirror and I can't stand myself.

Yesterday, a nice comment by my Dad, or what was supposed to be a nice comment got completely screwed up in my head. He said, "(Insert GIRL name here), why don't you throw on some makeup?" I hate him I hate him I hate him. I told you the paranoia surrounding him is coming back. I don't want to look pretty. I don't want to wear make-up. I'm not a girl so why should I be wearing make up? Yesterday, it was my Mom's birthday and my Dad said we had to "dress up, wear something nice" for dinner. I did everything I could and ended up wearing a pair of black slacks and then a jade blouse. Ew, I hate the word blouse. I don't wear blouses. Girls wear blouses. Anyway, I didn't end up putting on pink, makeup, or a skirt. Win, I guess?

Then I went to the shop yesterday to get a sports shirt for myself. I tried on a kids large and a women's small (oh, and my dad was there). Luckily, we both hated how the women's shirt fit on me. I hatedhow it accentuated my breasts. So I got the kids shirt and I'm wearing it now--its navy blue and wearing goldish/tan corduroy pants. Score: girl-0, guy-1 :D. YES. This makes me feel good.

Minus the fact that I can barely button my pants.

Oh, and I want to lose weight because I've gained lots. And I know I'm not fat, but I'm not happy with where I am. I wish I still looked like a stick like I used to. Its not an eating disorder, I've never struggled with that. I know i'm not fat, I just FEEL fat. And I want to take off some of this weight, because I hear it makes your breasts look smaller, too.

Yucky. I'm rambling.

Well, hoping to go to Apple today. My iPod Touch broke after three weeks. SERIOUSLY?! As if everything wasn't going wrong already.

Gah. I feel seriously angry and sad and guilty and shameful.

Comments

The Bookworm's picture

Angry and sad and guilty and

Angry and sad and guilty and shameful=there have been better starts to a new year. On behalf of this one I apologize.
Have a good year, centerfielder! Or at the least a year preferable to the one preceding it.

loreonpravus's picture

I've started wearing sports

I've started wearing sports bras again and while I don't like how they just mush everything into one big messy pile, when my chest is flatter I just feel more at ease, like this is the way it was supposed to be or something. It's kind of strange, because I change so many aspects of my appearance to be male, and while I want that to be apparent, I also want people to recognize that I AM a girl, at least biologically- can't pick up gay girls if they think you're a guy, I suppose.